Confessions of a Beauty Junkie

...And the Horse I Rode in on

2011-07-01T23:32:00.000-05:00

I know. Screw me, right? Here I am, another three months after my last post, which was like a million years after the post before that. Whatevs, y'all. I've switched day jobs (WOO-HOO!) and have been traveling around like friggin' George Clooney (mmm... Clooney) in "Up in the Air" as I go through the whole new-job-training rigamarole. It's going great, thanks for asking, it's just been way busy up in here.

Anyway.

So what has two thumbs, sucks at blogging, and is responsible for bringing a kick-ass skincare line to Franklin? THIS BITCH. I'm totally serious. I've been completely obsessed with Environ's anti-aging Ionzyme line, thanks to my super-sophisticated NYC friend Annie, who got hooked on it by her aesthetician. (FYI, this is the number-one why I need to be an aesthetician-- it's like being a crack dealer, but with products. Seriously, who wouldn't want that?) The issue was that I couldn't find it anywhere in Nashville, and the Environ website has all these warnings about buying their crap from an "unauthorized website." Well of course I was all "eff that, I have wrinkles," so I totally went over to firstforskincare.com and snapped up a whole mess of Ionzyme stuff. Then the next thing I know, there's this press release from the Environ people about suing firstforskincare.com for peddling their wares in an "unauthorized" fashion. Then I felt guilty. So fast-forward a few months, when I find myself sitting in the chair at Juel Salon, getting my hair did. My fabulous hair guy Eric was asking my opinion about brands that the new salon should carry that no one else in town currently had. I almost turned myself inside out convincing him and the salon owner Johnna to look into Ionzyme, and guess what. They totally did, and it's now flying off of Juel's shelves. You're welcome, Williamson County.

Ionzyme is pricy as all hell, but it's equally awesome. Go check out the back story on their website: a physician in South Africa got sick and tired of watching his patients die off of melanoma and roast themselves in the brutal African sun, so he took action. His efforts resulted in a skincare line with a cult-like following. I love the eye gel, I love the C-quence Masque (I have even slept in it before), I love the C-quence Creme. I love it all, for real. Save your pennies, barter with your friends, whatever it takes. Try this stuff.

I have so much more to share with y'all, and promise to do so in the coming weeks. In the meantime, enjoy the holiday weekend! Please don't forget about the brave men and women who continue to fight everyday to protect our country's independence! Woo!

Hell's Bells...

2011-03-26T23:23:00.000-05:00

...y'all. Y'ALL. I wish I had an explanation as to why it's been so very long since my last post. I'm not delusional enough to believe that y'all just sit around wondering why oh WHY I haven't been Johnny on-the-spot over the past few months, yet I still feel like I did when I was a young girl and got caught "telling a story" (Daddy's favorite term for lying). Work was insane at the end of last year, and hasn't let up yet. In sad news, I'm no longer writing for the magazine: it and my editor parted ways last month. I'm so downtrodden for my friend, as she gave VIP her heart and soul once a month for many, many years. I guess the silver lining is that, had she not been at the helm as long as she was, I never would have had the opportunity to write my column every month. As I shared with her upon learning that she was leaving, I got so much joy out of churning out a PG version of this blog by the fifteenth of every month. I've been lucky enough to meet some beautiful Williamson County ladies who, upon learning that my sorry ass is the Beauty Junkie, have proclaimed, "I LOVE your column! I love [product I suggested]!" I can't begin to tell y'all how much that warms my [stony black] heart. For real.

So anyway, it is with extreme blogger guilt that I return to you in a feeble attempt at playing catch-up. I have so much to share with you that I don't even know where to start. I guess that I'd be remiss if I didn't post the magazine columns that I've written since my last post, so here you go. In the meantime, please forgive me. I can't quite elaborate like I want to as to what I'm enduring as to my career these days, but let me offer this: it's during the most stressful times that I realize how much I enjoy the things that don't pay a single dime (read: writing this blog and, until just recently, my column). I am so thankful for every single one of you who's ever clicked over to this page, even for just a minute. I promise to do better. Thanks, pretties.

First, the November and December magazine entries. Brace yourself for the December one: you're probably not a hopeless sap like I am, but upon writing of my Momo/ Alice, I cried like an absolute baby. Those of you loyal readers will understand. Mwah.

“The Mascara Chronicles”

Happy November, Williamson County! Here’s to the many things for which we can truly be thankful. I, for one, am thankful for my friends, my husband and cat, my job, my health, my home, and (most importantly) my family, which expanded by one last month. My fabulous sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and we just couldn’t be more excited. On a much lighter note, I’m also thankful for the fantastic folks behind VIP Willamson County who let me write this little column. And this month, I’m thankful for mascara. Read on.

Mascara rocks my beauty world, and I have dedicated my Beauty Junkie life to finding the perfect be-all-end-all. I don’t think I’ve done that just yet, but I’ve gotten close a couple of times. The sad part is, I can’t stop trying new ones just because I found one that I really like. I’ve been disappointed more times that I’ve been delighted, but that, in my mind, is just part of the fun. Thus I feel it is my duty to give you the Cliff’s Notes version of my experiences to date (at least the ones I can remember). Get out those highlighters!

Cover Girl Lash Blast: My current long-standing fave. Huge orange tube. Loads of volume and separation. I know you’re tired of hearing about it, so go get some and see for yourself.

Maybelline Volum’ Express the Falsies: Spoon-shaped nylon-bristle brush that does a good job of beefing up my whisper-thin lashes. The weird brush takes some getting used to, but I’ve come to love it. A word to the wise: avoid the waterproof at all costs. I mistakenly picked it up (instead of the washable kind), and needed an act of Congress to get it off my lashes.

Smashbox Lash DNA: The huge spiral-shaped brush (like a DNA spiral-- get it?) is, while interesting, just too dang big to get into your lashes. I wasn’t impressed in the least.

Sephora Lash Stretcher: This one is fine if you just want length without volume. I, for one, need both, and was therefore disappointed.

Tarte 4 Day Lash Stain: Pay attention to the product name. When they say “stain,” they really REALLY mean it. I thought that the waterproof Maybelline was hard to remove. I’m pretty sure that I promised my shoe collection to the Tarte people in order to get this stain off of my lashes. If you’re camping, or scuba-diving, or stranded on a desert island, the Tarte mascara will be your best friend. Otherwise? Skip it.

Benefit Bad Gal: Another giant brush that disappoints. See, the size of the brush isn’t what actually matters-- it’s how the brush deposits the mascara onto your eyelashes that really counts. Bad Gal is just an on-steroids version of an old-school mascara brush, and I? Demand a little more. You should too. One exception: the dark-blue Bad Gal formula is great for lower lashes, adding definition and whitening your eyes without looking heavy. You’re welcome to use it as your primary mascara, but the fact that it’s not black makes a thorough application take longer.

Bobbi Brown Extreme Party: This one is pretty decent, but leaves me wanting for more volume. I love the Denim shade (new for Fall 2010) on lower lashes and on upper lash tips to brighten my eyes (similar to the navy Bad Gal version). Instead of an “Extreme Party,” this one’s more like a “Mild-Mannered Get-Together,” but it’s not bad.

Maybelline Volum’ Express Turbo Boost: Not to be confused with the Falsies formula, Turbo Boost promises seven times’ your exisiting lash volume, instantly. I ended up with stuck-together lashes that weren’t any thicker or more voluminous than when I started. (Sigh.) Maybelline, sometimes I wonder why I don’t just shun your entire product line altogether. Bad girl, Maybelline!

Laura Mercier Thickening and Building Mascara: Meh. Just, meh. Save your pennies.

L’Oreal Concentrated Lash Boosting Serum: I know, I know. This isn’t a mascara per se. But I mentioned to y’all that I tried it a few months ago, and wanted to let you know that it works. Granted, it takes a few weeks to notice any difference, but that’s the case with any of these newfangled growth serums. Get some, give it time, and expect results.

I won’t even mention the Lancome Oscillating Powerbooster because, well, y’all know how I feel about it. (It rules all.) Now go bat those lashes, ladies!

And now, on to December...

Confessions of a Beauty Junkie

“Dear Santa...”

Dear Santa,

I have been SUCH a good girl this year! Really, I have. I want so much for Christmas this year. For starters...

I want a microdermabrasion facial with Tammie at Dermess in downtown Nashville. Quite simply, she rocks. I was lucky enough to score a Groupon for a two-facial package deal, and have much brighter, more even skin to show for it.

I want a pedicure at Blue River Canyon Day Spa in Brentwood. If I have to settle for a run-of-the-mill job at any one of the million nail shops in town, I will happily do it (can you make it Venetian or Signature in Green Hills?), but the stressful holiday season demands a proper pedi. The ladies at Blue River Canyon will rub and knead my feet until they feel like they’re floating. The shiny polish is just the icing on the cake.

I want a makeover at the hands of the able-bodied ladies at Woo Cosmetics. From Stila to Bobbi Brown to the elusive Giorgio Armani line (the last time I checked, Woo was still the only purveyor of Armani cosmetics in town), Woo has the corner on exclusive, lovely pretty-face-makers. And while I’m there, I’ll want some delicious Tocca and Dayna Decker candles and that I-can’t-afford-it-unless-Santa-brings-it Chantecaille concealer. Pretty please.

I want a deep-tissue massage with Kelly at Massage Envy in Cool Springs. I may be brought to tears in the process, but Kelly knows that sometimes a deeper touch is needed to work out those knots and kinks that seem to set up residence in my neck and shoulders this time of year.

I want a Zumba class with the fabulous ladies of b. fab fitness in Franklin, Nashville, and Murfreesboro. Their party-disguised-as-a-workout made me reexamine the idea of a class that didn’t involve a yoga studio. Instead of visions of sugar plums, I have loud, ridiculously fun dance beats in my head when I hit the sack following a b. fab class.

I want a vacation. I want new nail polish. I want the perfect bra. I want....

Wait.

You know what, Santa? Scratch all of those wants. This year has been tough on just about everyone I know, in one way or another-- including me. So maybe I should want other things:

I want one evening (or even just a few hours) of peace and quiet for the brave men and women who risk their lives and miss their families every single day in lands I’ll only see on the news.

I want a toy and a hot meal for every child in Nashville who spends most of the year going without either.

I want a warm bed and a bowl of food for all the stray puppies and kitties roaming the Nashville streets.

I want relief and comfort for all of my beloved Nashvillians still struggling to put their lives together seven months after a weekend of rain that changed all of our lives.

I want someone to wander into a church or synagogue or temple sometime over the course of this month and to finally feel that he or she is home.

I want to remember how much I have, and not how much I don’t.

I want to always remember my beautiful grandmother and grandmother-in-law, both of whom passed away this year.

I want to forget the stress and frenzy that December usually brings in all areas of my life, and instead focus on family, friends, generosity, humility, worship, and community.

I still believe in you, Santa.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hannukah. Happy Kwanzaa. God bless you, Williamson County.

Love,
The Beauty Junkie

I'll be back... I promise.

I'm Still Alive

2010-10-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

So, contrary to popular belief (and maybe to the dismay of some of you), I'm not dead in a ditch somewhere in western Williamson County. No! I've just had a hard time managing my time and have had too much going on to really post anything worth a damn. The Cliffs' Notes: crazy end-of-quarter at work; the hubs started a new job (YAY!); and my sister brought the beautiful-and-perfect baby Alice into the world last Thursday (DOUBLE YAY WITH A SIDE OF AWESOME!). How that baby can fit her mommy, her daddy, her grandparents, and her uncles and ONLY auntie into her tiny little butt, I have no idea, but we've all set up camp in there (yeah, it's crowded). Anyway. I'm hoping that y'all will forgive me, as I promise to do better. While I check myself into Blogger Rehab, check out what I put together for the October issue of VIP Williamson County. I'm thinking about writing something tentatively titled "The Mascara Chronicles" for November. I got the idea from the ridiculous experience I had at my local Sephora last week.

Sidebar: any beauty junkie with a pulse knows that our Sephora, while certainly nice to have, can't hold a candle to the big Sephoras in major markets (see: Michigan Ave. location in Chicago). Those citified folks know their shit. Alas, this Sephora seems to have the clueless-chicks-who-look-like-drag-queens market covered. I wandered around in there for almost an hour and spent over a hundred bucks. When I was asked by the checkout chick if anyone helped me, I put on my best bitch face and replied, "actually, no, no one did." (These hos didn't even so much as give me the trademark overeager "HEYHOWAREYOUDOINGTODAY?") My typical how-dare-you tendencies took over before I left when I spotted a fetus trying to push some random crappy thirty-dollar mascara on a sweet lady who looked like she would be friends with my mommy. Oh hell to the no, Sephora Fetus. I swooped in, unasked and uninvited, and sweetly informed said Would-Be-Mama's-Friend that her money would be better spent on the Lancome Oscillating Powerbooster (or, alternately, the Cils Boost). I went into my spiel about my near-rabid love for the Powerbooster, informing her that she could easily get fabulous results from a drugstore mascara once she got the PB on board. With an "eat-it-and-die" smile to the fetus, I went on my merry way to Macy's to buy said Powerbooster. When I got there, the very nice Lancome lady and I chatted a bit, at which point I let her know what a ridonkulous experience I had at Sephora and my resulting mascara sabotage. Her response? "Oh, thank you! [Sweet lady] just came in and bought the Powerbooster with her Macy's card."

Um, they sell Lancome at Sephora. She instead bought it at Macy's.

Game over, Sephora. I win.

All right. I'm over myself. Here's my column:

“The All-Stars”

Yay, fall! Finally the heat has abated and given way to a beautiful season, full of new clothing and makeup ideas! Of course, I’d be remiss if I were to not acknowledge the official Fall passtime of the south: FOOTBALL! In keeping with the idea of the first-stringers, the MVPs, and what-have-you, I thought I’d offer a comprehensive list of my current beauty MVPs, also known as the Beauty Junkie All-Stars. Huddle up!

Rodial Glam Balm: I’ve sung its praises until my lungs were ready to explode. There is simply no better all-around elixir for dry skin, chapped lips, raggedy cuticles, and razor burn. It’s a fabulous makeup base in bitter weather. It soothes irriation. It conditions lashes. It imparts a lovely shine to collarbones, knees, browbones, and shins. It has a lovely, non-irriating smell. Plain and simple, it rules all.

Jo Malone Nectarine Blossom & Honey Cologne: a seasonless, never-heavy, always-delicious fragrance that is one of my all-time favorites. Not too sweet, not too spicy, not too girly, just... perfect. Get the big bottle and, while you’re at it, snag the heavenly body cream for long-lasting layering.

Clarins Radiance Plus Self-Tanning Cream-Gel: great daytime moisturizer. Fabulous, never-too-obvious, hint-of-tint facial self-tanner. Non-irritating, great for all skin types. Works great in a pinch to add color to shoulders, decollete’, and legs. One bottle lasts forever. What else could you possibly need?

Lancome Artliner: simply the easiest, fastest way to apply eyeliner ever. Ever! This felt-tip pen application imparts a sharp, precise line that’s never harsh. Alas, my favorite shade is no longer being made, but no worries: there are plenty others that I love dearly.

Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Cream Shadow: the ultimate no-budge, no-slip eyeshadow that comes in a range of shades and finishes, from demure to dramatic, matte to disco-ball sparkle. My favorite shade, Navajo, is an unassuming shade of pale beige, but works wonders as a lid-smoothing eyeshadow base. I won’t make up my eyes without it!

Cover Girl Lash Blast mascara: this huge orange tube contains possibly the best mascara formula I’ve ever used (and I’m ashamed to admit the number of mascaras I’ve tried). Jet-black, brown, waterproof; you name it, Lash Blast has it. Running a close second is Volum’ Express the Falsies mascara by Maybelline. I’ve historically despised Maybelline mascaras, but this one does an awesome job of beefing up wispy lashes with deep, rich color.

OPI Lincoln Park After Dark polish: the ultimate shade for fall and winter. A so-plum-it’s-nearly-black swath on nails and toes is over-the-top sophisticated glamour. Keep nails short when rocking a dramatic shade-- dragon-lady nails in loud colors are just not right on any level!

Bobbi Brown makeup brushes: I splurged on a collection of these during Christmas a few years ago, and I’m so glad I did. From a teeny-tiny eyeliner brush to Bobbi’s big, fluffy signature “Face Blender” brush, these lovelies will help you to put your best face forward.

Lancome Oscillation Powerbooster: I can barely bring up this ridiculously-awesome mascara primer without getting all shouty. With a few swipes of the vibrating brush, a snow-white slip is deposited onto your lashes that makes any mascara in the world work ten times better, end of story. It’s almost forty bucks, but I promise you that you won’t even care once you witness the results first-hand. Like I said, ridiculous. And awesome.

So, there you have it: the ultimate must-haves for fall and every season beyond. Score a beauty touchdown with luminous skin, gorgeous eyes, ultra-glam tips and toes, and a bewitching scent. Game over, you win!

To the Beautiful Alice(s)...

2010-08-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

Momo, you've been gone almost three months, and yet I'm still at a loss as to how to describe you to those who weren't privileged enough to know you. Well, I guess there's no time like the present. (For what it's worth, I wouldn't take a break from bitching about mascara for just anybody). Deep breath...

First and foremost, you were one of the most interesting people on the planet. You loved life and no doubt arrived at its end having thoroughly worn it clean out. Not even the Depression or a world war could dampen your spirit. You were tough as nails and gentle as a feather, depending on the circumstances. You made no bones about leaving my ass behind in the grocery when I dilly-dallied in the candy aisle, and I kind of liked that. (It only had to happen once. When I ran, frantically, to the front of the Indian Hills IGA to find the nice man to page you overhead, I caught sight of you in the checkout line. You sized me up with a quick "Well, I figured you'd find me eventually," and that was it. I was glued to your side from then on during our Saturday outings.) Up until your very last days, you could debate politics, pop culture, music, what-have-you, with uncanny accuracy and aplomb. I envy that.

Good Lord, you were funny. You'd stand around in the narthex after church with Dad's friends and would tell jokes that could make a coal miner blush. Once my siblings and I got older, you'd break them out at the dinner table (to rave reviews). I visited my best friend after the birth of her second baby and, while visiting with her momma, was privvy to maybe the most inappropriate joke ever. While I gagged and tried to figure out if I could take a birdbath in the sink, she casually shared with me that she'd heard it from you. You could easily recall jokes you heard in high school. I can't even do that now. We really had to censor ourselves during the meeting with the minister to plan your service details when he had the audacity to ask, "What was your grandmother like?"

You loved lipstick and perfume, a quality that I suspect I inherited from you. I wish I'd saved one of the lip-stamped Kleenexes that you often kept in your purse, just so I could remember the exact shade you wore. I think it was by Revlon. There were several you kept in rotation, but I'm no fool-- they were all bright, bright pink. I remember one Easter, at church, when my brother commented, "Momo's got her blush kickin' today! It's a special occasion!" You always looked beautiful. Mom used to tell me that you used Dermablend on your FACE (the horror!) to hide your freckles and age spots, but I didn't care. I loved watching you put it on when I was young. I don't think you ever wore eye makeup in your life (or at least over the course of mine), but I don't think it would have looked right on you anyway. The perfume obsession was ongoing and never-ending. Once I was introduced to Liz Claiborne in the sixth grade, it was all over. We gave each other perfume for Christmas for years and years. As soon as you opened the box, you'd hose yourself down with the scent du jour and would dutifully offer some to me and my sister. We felt like such grown-ups. To this day, I seek out perfumes that I think you'd like.

Your laugh rang out like the sound of a cork from an agitated bottle of Champagne: instant, bubbly, and resounding. I think that sometimes it even surprised you. The accompanying gestures were the best: head back, eyes closed, hand clapping down on right knee. As I got older, I turned into a veritable stand-up comedienne when we were together, just so I could hear that exuberant, engrossing, all-encompassing laugh. When we were in a local fashion show together years ago, one of Mom's friends commented that we look(ed) alike. She said we had the same smile. I'd settle for having the same laugh anyday.

My beautiful sister is having a little girl next month, who will be named after you. I'm so glad that you were able to find this out before you left this world. Ellen did such a wonderful job of describing you on her blog that I'm not sure what else to say, other than that if she is half as funny/ smart/ witty/ determined/ sweet/ amazing as you, well, I'll be the proudest and happiest aunt on this planet. I know you'll be there when she enters this world, and I know that you can't wait. Rest assured that I'll buy her her first pink lipstick and bottle of fancy perfume. I love and miss your beautiful face.

--"Miss Jules"

Hot in Herrre

2010-07-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday! That means I'm working as little as humanly possible! That means that I'm able to update my blog! At 3pm on a Thursday! And I don't feel guilty! Woo-hoo! Here's what I put together for the July issue of VIP Williamson, which will hit the stands this weekend. Happy Independence Day weekend, all!

“Hot! Hot! Hot!”

Is it hot in here, or is it just me? (I don’t think it’s just me.) Summer started off with a bang, and has left us to wilt and wither in its wake. What to do (besides languish by the pool or beach all day, in which case I may just have to hate you)? Peruse these beauty products and beat the heat beautifully!

So I told y’all last month about Hope Springs Eternal hydrating mist from our friends at Philosophy, and about how you should stash it in the fridge for chilly, misty relief. Do you know what should be parked right next to in in the old icebox? Herban Essentials Towelettes. On the surface, they’re antibacterial wipes. (Yawn.) But once you open one of the individual packettes, you’ll experience a beautifully-fragranced, essential oil-based, totally new way to cleanse, disinfect, and feel completely fabulous! These towelettes come in a variety of scents-- lavender is my favorite. Use one after working in the yard or while lounging poolside for refreshing relief. For all you moms out there, you’ll love how they can clean up grubby little hands (ice cream, anyone?) without trashing the skin of your little punkins.

If you’re lucky enough to hit the beach this summer (including the Gulf Coast-- seriously, y’all, please go-- at press time, Destin was still beautiful and in desperate need of your visit), promise me that you won’t skimp on sunscreen. Yes, I’ve gotten on my soap box about this before; and yes, I’ll do it again. USE SUNSCREEN (and not the piddly SPF 4 stuff, either). During our trip down to the Emerald Coast last month, I rocked my beloved Coola organic sunscreen from the neck down, and my latest discovery from the neck up: Neutrogena Age Shield Face Sunblock. Its broad-spectrum SPF of 70 blocks both UVA and UVB rays, and fights premature aging (caused by sun exposure) during the process. Additionally, it’s free of oil, fragrance, and PABA. It’s simply a must for cutting sun damage off at the knees. Interestingly, it won’t keep us fair-skinned ladies from racking up those cute freckles. Protect that precious hair color from fading with Frederic Fekkai Beachcomber Leave-In Conditioner. This lovely bi-phase spray detangles, boosts shine, and provides a UV shield. Also? It makes your hair look beachy-sexy, and who doesn’t want that?

While you’re being responsible about sun care, be sure to rock a sunless tan so that you can don those short-shorts and cute jumpers without blinding passers-by. My newest favorite is Xen-Tan. This line of self-tanning products actually produces a brown-based, neutrally-fragranced tan that lasts ten days. I swear. When it does start to fade (which any sunless tanner does without a maintenance lotion and/ or with shaving, exfoliating, and swimming in chlorinated water), it does so naturally, without the tell-tale “specks” that can sometime resemble a skin affliction. Definitely not pretty. This stuff isn’t yet available in any retail outlets in Nashville, but they’re so awesome that I don’t mind ordering them online. You won’t either. Trust the Beauty Junkie.

For those sultry nights out on the town, make those legs and shoulders gleam with Fresh Sugar body oil. This lovely slip of a moisturizer imparts a beautiful, not-too-heavy sheen and a smell so delicious, you might need security detail! Pair it with Lancome’s Color Fever gloss in the aptly-named shade Heatstroke. It’s the perfect neutral pink that’s loaded with shimmer and shine. It’s, in a word, hot.

Do you actually LIKE the heat? Do you enjoy sweating? Then you have to take a power yoga class! Lighthouse Yoga in Cool Springs and Yoga Country in Brentwood are awesome places to sweat out toxins and stress without the stifling humidity associated with outdoor exercise. If you make it to the Saturday morning class (my favorite, in both places), head down to the Franklin Farmers’ Market afterward and pick up some cool, delicious veggies while you jam to some bluegrass music. And if you get sweaty again? Who cares!

If all else fails, kick back in your air-conditioned living room with my favorite cocktail: the skinny mojito. Muddle a handful of fresh mint leaves with four lime wedges and a healthy drizzle of agave nectar (instead of sugar). Add crushed ice, a shot (or two!) of light rum, lime juice, and club soda. Pour into a second cup and back into the original one to mix. Add a mint sprig and a straw. Take a big ol’ sip, and repeat after me: “Aaaahhhhhhh...”

Buying Guide

Herban Essentials: Woo Cosmetics, Green Hills

Neutrogena: local drugstores

Frederic Fekkai and Fresh: Cosmetic Market, Cool Springs

Lancome: Belk, Cool Springs Galleria

Agave nectar (multiple brands): Whole Foods

Getting Xen

2010-06-20T18:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Father's Day to all the daddies and granddaddies out there! (I don't really expect any of you to read this blog.) If you're anywhere in the southeast, you know that this week has been hotter than a June bride in a feather bed, and the only activity worth thinking about involves lounging poolside and being brought cold beverages on demand (preferrably by a pretty, mute cabana boy). That said, I'm immediately hit with a mini-panic at the thought of baring my legs/ arms/ gut/ etc., because (as I've said before) I'm beyond pale. This time of year is a never-ending cycle of applying self-tanner, riding it out for a few days, noticing that said tanner is starting to fade and disintegrate, scrubbing away the remnants, and starting all over again. I don't always have time to scrub and reload in the same sitting, which results in blinding people until I can re-spray or -lotion myself. Today is one of those days, as was evidenced by my lily-assed-white arms and legs flailing about in Zumba class this afternoon. (The fact that I was next to my beautiful bronzed sister in-law didn't help.) (Also? She's way better at Zumba than I am. You want to hate her, but dammit, she's too cute and funny.) (And tan.) When I do get back to a semi-normal color, it will be thanks to Xen-Tan.

Xen-Tan is one of the newest self-tanning lines out there, and I scarfed some up before we went to Destin earlier this month. Going on vacay usually adds to the tan-panic (tanic?), because chlorine and salt water are notorious for eating away a beautiful sunless tan, and drain all moisture from my skin the process. To add insult to injury, most self-tanning products do nothing for moisturizing dry skin. See? A dilemma that begats a "tanic." So. Back to Xen-Tan. I researched the line and saw that everyone had given it rave reviews, particularly about the fact that a very natural-looking, "brown" tan is produced. Sadly, it's only available online these days, but that didn't stop me from ordering the spray, the lotion, the extender, and the handy-dandy sponge used to apply the spray from Nordstrom (good Gawd, I love Nordstrom-- they're finally coming to Nashville, which means that I will never be able to retire). And? I love it! The spray is beyond instant, and can be tricky to get right around feet, toes, and hands. The sponge helps. I used the spray a couple of times on vacation before going out at night and then put the lotion on top before bed. I didn't really bother with the extender, because we were in either the ocean or the pool everyday and I looked positively ghost-like by the end of the day. (Note to self: must develop a sunless tanner that laughs in the face of chlorine and salt. Bonus points if it has a snarky name.) The best thing about Xen-Tan products is the smell... or, more accurately, the lack thereof. You know that weird, starchy smell that usually emanates from your pores when you're self-tanning? Not the case with Xen-Tan. Now, to be fair, the tank top I slept in smelled that way the morning after I applied the spray, but I could really give a damn about a ratty old tank top (it's just as romantic as it sounds, my husband loves it). The fact that that smell wasn't on my skin was good enough for me.

So, go get some immediately. I plan to try the fancy new "Luxe" group of products next. Of course I will let y'all know what I think about it. In the meantime, I'm off to find my enemies and blind them with my legs. Maybe that's what Thomas Dolby was talking about when he said "science." He was pretty pale...

Nashville Rises

2010-05-07T08:48:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. It's with a heavy heart that I write this feeble little blog entry. Hopefully by now you've seen the news coverage of the devastating flood that overtook my city of Nashville last weekend. It's now being called a "thousand-year flood." My family and I escaped all damage and consider ourselves very, very fortunate. The hubs has diligently worked all week to help our neighbor-friends pull up their waterlogged carpet, hardwood floors, etc. Our neighborhood took a significant hit, as did many other parts of Nashville. Please consider donating to the Red Cross to support relief efforts. Also, there's a new FB group titled "We Are Nashville" that's selling t-shirts to raise relief funds. I'd tell you that being generous makes you beautiful (which I think it does), but I'd rather just admit that so many people here still need so much help. Thanks for considering.

Okay, I feel better. Now, onto my May VIP Williamson County column. I've started dabbling in a few new skincare products, and have been pretty pleased so far. Read and learn, read and learn. Much love, bitches.

‘Hope’...and change?

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and stop it right now. The Beauty Junkie has no desire to wax political (at least not in this column). It’s just not my place. What I DO want to talk about is my newest discoveries in the realm of skincare. Can these products make us look younger and more beautiful than everyday? This Spring, can hope spring eternal? Here’s hoping.

The ever-popular brand Philosophy is a favorite among my group of friends and fellow beauty junkies for their pure skincare and delightfully fragranced bath and body products (if you haven’t tried any of the Amazing Grace products, put this magazine down this very instant and either go to the Cosmetic Market or click over to www.philosophy.com-- do not pass “go,” do not collect $200). Besides the gentle formulas, I get a kick out of the clever product names and the uplifting vignettes on the packaging (and even recipes, like the Cinnamon Buns bath and shower gel). I hadn’t ventured very far into the skincare line, until one of my besties asked if I’d tried the Hope Springs Eternal deep sea ultra-fine hydrating mist. She also suffers from dry, sensitive, easily-angered skin, and is always going on and on about the Hope in a Jar moisturizer and Purity Made Simple one-step cleanser. I hadn’t tried Hope Springs Eternal, and apparently that had to change ASAP, and my gracious-- this stuff rules the school. This affordable pump bottle of delicate mist is the perfect answer for everything from allergy attacks to dehydrated skin to keeping loose powder and mineral foundation from looking too matte. Stash it in the fridge during the summer for a quick, refreshing cool-down. Hope Springs Eternal has a lovely, non-irritating scent, thanks to sea minerals, and can be used all day, everyday, without aggravating sensitive skin. Rest assured that, once a travel size is available, I will keep one in every room of my house... and my car... and my purse...

Hope Springs Eternal was just one of a three-product trilogy from Philosophy I’d decided to try over the past several weeks, and I’m so very glad I did. Upon my first use of When Hope is Not Enough extra moisturizing cleanser, I noticed its consistency: not a gel, not a liquid, more of a squishy balm. The language on the tube says that a little goes a long way, and I found that to be spot-on. I was left with a squeaky-clean, makeup-free face that was neither tight nor dry. (Apparently, omega fatty acids prevent the skin from being dried out during the cleansing process.) I love it. You will too. When Hope is Not Enough spans an entire line of anti-aging skincare for dry, dehydrated skin, ranging from body scrub to daily serum capsules. After cleansing and misting, I slap on some of the Hope in a Jar daily moisturizer with SPF 20. I usually look for a daytime lotion with a higher SPF, but layering mineral foundation over Hope in a Jar doubles up on sun protection. Furthermore, it’s very hard to find a moisturizer with broad-spectrum SPF that doesn’t irritate or roll up under foundation and isn’t greasy (it’s also available oil-free). Hope in a Jar has it nailed, y’all. All three products together add up to less than a hundred bucks, which is hard to beat for quality anti-aging skincare.

Once I had ‘hope’-ful skin, I could return to my obsession: eyelashes. Y’all know how hell-bent I am on getting full, long, glossy lashes, and I’m still too cheap to try Latisse (and too chicken to order the generic knockoff online). So, naturally, that led me to the over-the-counter versions of lash-boosting serums. I snagged L’Oreal’s Lash Boosting Serum a couple weeks ago, after I’d already tried its corresponding Double Extend Lash Boosting Mascara and been a bit underwhelmed. I was excited about the idea of a primer with a lash-fortifying serum built right in, but alas-- like most other drugstore mascara-and-primer duos, I ended up with lashes with plenty of length and not nearly enough volume. The primer claims to, over time, produce fuller, longer lashes, as does the serum. (For the record, so does my beloved Lancome Oscillation Power Booster mascara primer.) I’m still using the serum at night and under mascara in the morning, and haven’t seen much improvement yet. I guess I’ll keep using... and hoping.

Buying Guide

Philosophy: Cosmetic Market- Green Hills, Cool Springs, Hillsboro Village
L’Oreal: local drugstores

Take This Year and Shove It

2010-04-05T20:59:00.006-05:00

Yeah, 2010, you heard me. I'm just about fed up with your ass. So far, you've thrown some serious drama at me, and I don't appreciate that one little bit. (And you know how much my skin hates drama. Zits! Wrinkles! Eye bags! Fanfreakingtastic!) If it weren't for my sister having a baby, I'd totally quit you. The kicker, at least as far as beauty is concerned? My getting braces last month.*

*- Yes, I realize that my teeth are, for the most part, straight. Yes, I did have braces for three-plus years when I was a teenager. My bite has apparently shifted dramatically over the past twenty years, resulting in a deceptively jacked-up grill. So jacked, in fact, that I ended up with a hellacious abcess (requiring an emergency root canal, antibiotics, Lortab, and a Defcon Five-level round of cursing) a few weeks ago. Yes, they hurt. Yes, they're awkward. Yes, I look like an oddly old-looking twelve year-old. Shut it:

Grrr.

So, for the next year or so, I am the proud new owner of this here hardware. Nonetheless, I decided to write about lipstick and gloss for this month's issue of Vip Williamson County. When I wrote it last month, I hadn't yet appreciated the fact that loading up on gloss when rocking orthodontics is not unlike rigging up a giant flashing arrow to the side of one's head that says, "HEY! LOOK! HEY LOOK! THESE SHINY-ASSED LIPS HIDE A MONSTER GRILL! AS IF THIS WASN'T AWKWARD ENOUGH!" So, I'm still trying to figure out how to continue to indulge my deepest-rooted beauty product addiction without calling further undue attention to the nonsense shown above. In the meantime, read this crap:

“Gimme Some Lip”

This month marks my first full year that I’ve been writing this column that I love so dearly. Happy first anniversary to me! With that, I feel it’s time to face the music. I’ve neglected to tackle one of the most talked-about and ever-frustrating products in all of beauty. I guess it’s time to be a big girl. Okay, deep breath. Here we go, ladies...let’s talk about lips.
   You laugh, but think about it: have any of you actually managed to find THE lipstick, or the gloss that makes you weep with joy every time you wear it? If so, I’m very jealous. For me, the search for perfect lip products is never-ending, like the Beauty Junkie’s Holy Grail. There are plenty of good choices out there, but not any to which I eschew all others and pledge my loyalty (at least not yet). I’ll keep searching until I find it, and when I do, you’ll hear about it.
   So my lips, like my skin, are typically dry. Beacuse of that, I typically use a moisturizing gloss, and avoid long-wearing lipsticks, which can be drying. I don’t mind regular lipsticks, as long as they’re creamy and not matte in finish. I’ve tried lip glosses by Nars, Bobbi Brown, Tarte, Stila, Lancome, Bare Escentuals, Lorac, Clinique, and The Balm in recent history (and you thought I was kidding when I called myself a “beauty junkie!”), and they’re all pretty good. I love the consistency and color selection of Nars glosses, and Bobbi Brown’s Lip Shimmers are fabulous. I wish that the Bobbi glosses came with an applicator different from the little brush they currently have, which is hard to reinsert into the tube without bending back its outside bristles. Tarte and Bare Escentuals glosses are okay, and I do like the fact that the Tarte gloss is vitamin-infused, but the color selection was a bit lacking. My latest foray into Lancome lip gloss was their La Laque Fever (how very serious-sounding!). I love the idea of a long-wearing gloss that doesn’t dry out lips, and Lancome aaaaaalmost has it nailed. The Plum Savvy shade was very pretty for winter, but the finish, after some time, becomes a bit dry and cakey. Ditto the Lip Enamel Luxe Gloss from Stila, but to an even higher degree. Additionally, the dial-up brush applicator makes a big ol’ mess. Stila once made a kick-butt gloss called, appropriately, It Gloss. I loved it. They quit making it. Of course they did.
   Clinique has the best product going out of any of these. Its Colour Surge Butter Shine lipstick is a gorgeous, shiny gloss in a stick format, meaning less mess. It glides on like a lipstick, but has the finish (and moisturizing properties) of a gloss. I love it, I really do. My favorite shade is Baby Baby, a darling peachy-pink. The price is reasonable, at fifteen bucks. So what’s the problem? The tube lasts me about four weeks, which is just inconvenient. If the stick-gloss had a formula just a tiny bit denser, this probably wouldn’t be the case. If you don’t mind buying two at a time to save a trip to the department store, feel free.
   With that said, my latest lip product purchases were courtesy of the MAC store in the Mall at Green Hills. Like all its other offerings, MAC’s array of lip products is truly staggering, as is its color range, from the demure to the dramatically outrageous. Pale, whitish pink is all the rage for Spring, but I’m just not cool enough to carry it off. Instead, I opted for the ever-fabulous Viva Glam VI lipstick (which, unlike other MAC lipsticks, isn’t too drying), Tinted Lipglass in Viva Glam V and Viva Glam VI, and lip pencil in Whirl. Pretty, wearable, interchangeable shades, all of them. Viva Glam V is the company’s best-selling lipstick and gloss, and for good reason: it’s the perfect neutral pink that’s shimmery without being glittery. (If you want glittery, MAC has that in spades too.) Like the Bobbi Brown counter at Belk in Cool Springs, the MAC store artists are pros at helping you find your shade. I love my new purchases to death...until I find the next best thing.
   One final note: don’t even think of putting anything on your lips without using Tarte FRXtion (pronounced “friction”) first. This split stick is half emollient balm and half sugar scrub. Your lips will think they’ve died and gone to heaven! Pucker up, Williamson County!

Buying Guide
Nars, Tarte, Stila, Lancome, Bare Escentuals, Clinique, The Balm: Sephora

The Blog Whisperer

2010-02-23T21:40:00.000-06:00

Picture yourself checking this blog for a new post. You check day after day, searching... searching.

There are no new posts. Not a single one for weeks. WEEKS.

Picture yourself discussing this tomfoolery with your friends who also read this blog (because you've told them ALL about it). Y'all are sitting at your favorite establishment, perhaps having beverages, and you're discussing and discussing.

Why hasn't that Beauty Junkie bitch posted anything recently? What is her damage?

What, does she have, like, ten kids? Four jobs? A mental disorder? ADHD?

Then, one of you looks up from your intense debate, and sees her: The Beauty Junkie. She's walking over to your table, keeping eye contact with you and your friends the whole time.

Holy crap! She's totally coming over to say "hi," and ask as to how she can be a better blogger/ resource/ Best Friend Forever! Wait, shhh, here she comes...

"CCCHHHHTTTT!"

That's me, doing my best impersonation of Cesar Millan. I hear you barking, and if you were on a leash, I'd tug on it a little bit (just a little). I suck, okay? Can we please move on now? Yes? Good.

So here's what I slopped together for the February issue of VIP Williamson. Yes, I realize it's about Valentine's Day and all that happy crap. And yes, smart-ass, I do realize it's well after Valentine's Day. Just read it, and like it. I'll be back soon, and in a much better mood next time. Try not to whiz on the carpet. Cesar hates that.

“I Love You”

Brace yourself, kids: the Beauty Junkie is getting serious. In light of recent worldwide events (namely, the earthquake in Haiti), we each have an opportunity to view Valentine’s Day as something more than a romantic holiday. Let’s take this time to tell and show EVERYONE you treasure just how important they are in your life. As we’ve been remided of lately, life is much too short not to show our feelings to those we love. Here are a few ideas as to how to go about it:

For that special someone (and that totally includes yourself), a day at the spa is one of the best gifts ever. Blue River Canyon is one of my favorites, and offers legendary facials and sublime massages in their couples’ massage room. Also check out Woodhouse, Dion’s South, and Escape. The pedicures at Escape will make you want to go shoeless forever. Up the ante by stopping off at Schakolad in Cool Springs for some luscious chocolate-dipped strawberries. Treats and spa pampering? Yes, please! Short on time or funds? Set out a picnic in the den, replete with your favorite tunes, a chocolate fountain (snag one at Bed Bath & Beyond), and all the yummy fixings. Recall your sweetest memories and share your sincerest affections.

A dinner date is always a great way to enjoy some quality time together. Why not mix it up a bit? Check out the cooking classes offered by the Viking store for a different kind of date night. Choose from hands-on (for you ambitious types) or demonstration courses, and enjoy an informative evening chock-full of wonderful food. Head to the Factory before class for a romantic cocktail at Saffire or Boxwood Bistro. You homebodies can always whip up a fantastic meal together-- have fun replicating dishes from your favorite haunts, or inventing something new.

Go through all your photographs and find your favorites, be they of family, friends, or you and that special someone (of course, those fabulous solo pictures of your beautiful self also qualify!). Head over to Frames Unlimited and have those memories restored, matted, and framed-- beautifully. When it’s gift-giving time, make sure to get your loved ones’ reactions on video for posterity. They’ll love it!

Get bitten by the travel bug and steal away for the weekend. Birmingham, Chattanooga, and Lexington, Kentucky, are all homes to killer food, beautiful scenery, dangerous shopping, and fun nightlife. Stay at a romantic bed and breakfast, or crash at a local boutique hotel. Use this occasion to pick up a slick new travel set of toiletries! Cosmetic Market in Cool Springs has fabu sets by Bliss and Caudalie, and the Japanese skincare line DHC can be found online for additional kick-butt options.

Do something nice for yourself. Hit up one of those awesome spas mentioned above, or stop over at the Bobbi Brown counter at Belk for some sprucing. (Let them find your perfect shade of red lipstick.) Click over to Sephora and snag the Give Me Some Lip Valentine’s Day gift set. You’ll get a combination of glosses and lipsticks in gorgeous shades of pink and red for twenty-five bucks. While you’re online, head over to the Olio Lusso website for body and face oils that will make your skin glow like no other. Pick up Voluspa candles from Philanthropy in downtown Franklin, and fill your home with luxurious scents that aren’t sweet or obnoxious. Peruse the insanely hot accessories at What’s-In-Store, and rejoice when you find that sick pair of shoulder-dusters on the cheap. For the ultimate indulgence, snag a jar of La Mer Body Creme at Private Edition. The price is steep, but hey-- there’s no better way to be your own Valentine!

Finally, and most importantly, take a few minutes to TELL everyone you love just how much you do. As I said, life is precious, and impossibly brief. We’ve been reminded lately that things can change in the blink of an eye. Make sure that your words and kind and from the heart, and speak kind words to yourself. Love is all around, but it’s essential that it also comes from within you. Going out into the world full of love makes you absolutely beautiful, inside and out! Have a lovely February!

So It's Cold as a Bitch Outside...

2010-01-08T15:48:00.000-06:00

... and there's no reason to venture out of doors. What to do? Peep my column for the January issue of VIP (and eat every carb in sight, New Year's diet be damned! Wait-- no? So just me, then?)!

“A Clean Start”

Happy New Year! Wow, 2009 sure went by quickly. Hopefully you all rang in the new year beautifully. Now, it’s back to reality: back to school, back to the gym, and back to basics with your skin and makeup routine. The most essential piece of this puzzle is cleanser. Let’s discuss.

Finding the right cleanser for you can be a daunting task. If you recall, I hit the high points back in September as to how to determine your skin type (oily, dry, combination, sensitive). From that point, you have a couple decisions to make: do you want to remove makeup and cleanse in one step? Do you like a bar soap, a liquid, a gel? Are you looking for a foaming cleanser or a non-sudsing milk or oil? Decide what you like, and which option you’ll be most likely to make a habit morning and night.

Personally, I like a one-step, do-it-all cleanser that will even take off mascara. For that, there are many options, and I have three favorites. Yon-Ka Gel Nettoyant is exceedingly gentle, yet removes absolutely everything with a lovely, non-irritating lather. Next, we have DHC Deep Cleansing Oil, an awesome all-in-one that’s best applied onto a completely dry face and rinses everything away. Finally, we have Cor Silver soap, a revolutionary bar soap that doesn’t irritate and makes use of silver, Chitosan, and collagen to offer makeup-dissolving, bacteria-busting benefits. Cor soaps aren’t cheap, but they last forever, and even the last teeny-tiny shard will lather up beautifully.

For those of you willing to remove makeup and cleanse in separate steps, you simply HAVE to try the Babor system. The first step is HY-OL, a water-soluble oil that dissolves the day away. The next step, Phytoactive, is selected according to your skin type and is applied on top of HY-OL. You swirl the lovely combo over your whole face, rinse, and ta-da! Beautifully clean skin! I’d say it’s worth the extra step at night, but I just can’t be bothered during the week (read: I’m lazy). Don’t let that stop you-- try it. Another option is Take the Day Off by Clinique. Offered in a balm and a liquid, Take the Day Off does a great job of sending makeup and dirt down the drain. Follow up with one of their famously-gentle cleansers-- I like the Rinse-Off Foaming Cleanser.

If you’re one of those waterproof-mascara wearers, you need an eye makeup remover in addition to your cleansing routine. Lancome has a great one in Bi-Facil, a gentle lipid-and-water combo that has been dissolving my special-occasion eye makeup for years. A tip: take off eye makeup prior to cleansing, as bi-phase removers like Bi-Facil and Take the Day Off can leave an oily residue. (For this reason, they’re also NOT the best way to correct eye makeup mistakes. Better to use a cotton swab doused in either facial moisturizer or eye cream to gently erase the occasional errant mascara smudge.)

You lovelies in search of a cleanser/exfoliant combo can rest easy: you have options! Clarins One-Step Gentle Exfoliating Cleanser is pure genius, and is a sunny orange color-- perfect for brightening up dreary winter mornings. Philosophy Microdelivery Exfoliating Wash also takes basic cleanser up a notch, thanks to antioxidants. Another fave is Therapy Systems Amazingly Gentle Scrub, a lovely pink gel that uses jojoba beads and uplifting grapefruit oil to take scaly skin off your mind. Another tip: please don’t get any exfoliant anywhere near your eyes. It’s not pretty.

For those of you with fragile, sensitive skin, take heart (and bless your heart): there are several cleansers out there with your names on them! I’ve found that the gentlest cleansers aren’t always the best at removing eye makeup (with the exception of Yon-Ka), so you may want to invest in a separate remover. That said, Clarins Cleansing Milk and Environ Interactive Cleansing Cream do a bang-up job of cleansing without causing a fuss. Our friends at Philosophy offer Purity Made Simple, another fabulous option for temperamental skin. Avoid any artificial fragrances and harsh exfoliants whenever possible. My secret for exfoliating sensitive skin? Sugar and honey. It works like a dream! So lather up, ladies!

Buying Guide
Yon-Ka: Wax Nashville
DHC: www.dhccare.com
Babor: Brentwood Salon and Day Spa
Clinique, Lancome, and Clarins: Dillard’s
Philosophy and Therapy Systems: Private Edition
Environ: www.firstforskincare.com

December VIP Column

2009-12-05T17:11:00.000-06:00

Now that the December issue of VIP is out, I can post my column! Hope you enjoy it!

“Holiday Survival Guide”

Brace yourself: the holidays are here. In true million-miles-an-hour holiday-season fashion, here are a few tips designed to help you get through (and actually enjoy!) the season in style-- and looking gorgeous!

* No time to go home to change before a weeknight holiday shindig? Pack some evening-appropriate accessories and makeup in your purse that morning. Belk, Dillard’s, and Macy’s have collar necklaces, jewel-encrusted cuffs, and shoulder-duster earrings that will make your jaw drop and are perfect for taking an outfit from day to night. (Pick two of the three to avoid looking like a jewelry-store mannequin.) If your party is more conservative, sling on a feathered or crystal headband and some sparkly stud earrings. Bump up your lipstick, refresh your perfume, throw on a pair of killer heels, and you’re good to go.
* If your makeup must go the distance, smooth on Clarins Beauty Flash Balm under your foundation, and prepare to be amazed. This wonder balm keeps makeup looking fresh all day long. All. Day. Long.
* Highlight bone structure with Benefit High Beam for a candlelilt glow. Add some to your body lotion to accentuate bare shoulders and legs. Therapy Systems Glycolic Body Treatment is the perfect prep for smooth skin all over.
* My favorite stocking stuffer of all time is Shu Uemura’s eyelash curler. It may be the best fifteen dollars you’ll ever spend!
* Pressed for time when it comes to shopping for girlfriends? Throw a get-together! No gifts, just enjoy each others’ company. Have a theme: a Champagne social, a Little Black Dress party, or even a Charity Potluck (everyone brings literature from a favorite charity-- you swap, then give). Mix together a pitcher of Poinsettias to get the party going: for each person, combine a half-ounce of Cointreau and three ounces of cranberry juice. Pour into flutes, and top with Champagne. Delicious.
* If you actually have time to shop for girlfriends/ sisters/ etc., hit up Cosmetic Market for awesome gift sets by Bare Escentuals, Bliss, Philosophy, Urban Decay, Smashbox, and OPI. This is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of those holiday gift sets to introduce someone to your favorite brand! If you’re still at a loss, gift cards are perfect for teachers, neighbors, or anyone else who enjoys pampering herself.
* While you’re at Cosmetic Market, ask Melissa or Chelsea to give you a holiday makeover. Make sure you check out the fabulous Lipstick Queen line-- my new obsession is the shade called Goodbye. Angie at the Belk Bobbi Brown counter is also a genius-- stop by before your next party and let her bring out your gorgeous.
* Stressed? Join the club! (Kidding!) Let Kim or Reginald at Massage Envy Cool Springs work out the tension, or head over to Pena MD for a DermaSweep facial. Ahhh!
* Did last night’s party leave you hitting the snooze button a few too many times? Fake a good hair day with Pssst! This genius dry shampoo, found at Walgreen’s, absorbs oil and excess product and gives hair lift, all for about six bucks. Throw a packet of Emergen-C (also at Walgreen’s) in a glass of water first thing the “morning after” for an energy boost that won’t leave you dehydrated or jittery like coffee can.
* While you’re doing all that shopping, snag a little “happy” for yourself: my favorites are Bliss Glamour Gloves and Softening Socks. Throw them on over your favorite moisturizer before you go to bed and wake up to petal-soft hands and feet-- perfect for those cocktail rings and strappy gladiator heels!
* For the ultimate stress relief, get yourself to Lighthouse Yoga Studio for a Slow Flow or Ashtanga Mix class. Misty, Kaleah, and the gang can work out the kinks like noone else.
* In lieu of gifts for your coupled friends, plan a Dinner Club night at one of the many fabulous Williamson County restaurants: Boxwood Bistro, Sol, Red Pony, and Wild Iris are just a few of the wonderful establishments that provide a festive and fun environment for a holiday get-together. Even better: cruise Wal-Mart before dinner for toys and sundries to donate to Toys for Tots or the Salvation Army.
* You’re invited to The Holiday Party, and you need The Outfit. No problem: hit up Haven for the ultimate in Hollywood-meets-Franklin boho chic, and Emmaline for luxury-trendy staple brands like Nanette Lepore and Tracy Reese. Combine high-end with economical by piling on necklaces from Target or Kohl’s.
* Finally, take at least one night to gather your family and friends close, pop a bottle of your favorite vintage, and enjoy the season. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle this time of year. Remember that it’s all about the things that money can’t buy: spending time and showing love to those you cherish, and helping those in need. Happy Holidays, Williamson County!

Random Holiday Weekend Musings

2009-11-27T19:10:00.000-06:00

So, first things first: I've spent the last ten-or-so days test-driving the latest thing in foundation, Lancome Oscillation Powerfoundation. I normally love my ass some mineral-powder foundation for its purity and natural sunscreen, and y'all know the borderline-unhealthy obsession I have with their oscillating mascara primer (seriously, if you haven't gotten some yet, what the hell is wrong with you?). It seemed only natural that I would fall completely butt-crazy in love with this stuff.

I'm not really there yet.

It takes some getting used to, to say the least. Initially, there was the issue of getting the right shade without the benefit of testers at the Lancome counter. (What? It was new, and I had to have it. I don't need no stinkin' tester!) Turns out, that was unfortunate-- the shade I initially picked was too light, and made my look even more ghostly than normal. I had to wait a few days to return the wrong shade and get the right one with the help of the stinkin' tester. One shade darker was all I needed, contrary to the Lancome lady's opinion. (Um, Lancome lady? I've been rocking this pasty-assed skin for thirty-odd years. When I say a shade you're showing me is too dark, I can promise you with absolute certainty that it will be too dark. You persisted, and almost lost an arm in the process, because your pushiness was pissing me off. And guess what? It was too dark! Crazy!)

I learned after a few go-rounds a couple things: one, that your skin must be completely dry and any product(s) you use before OP must be completely absorbed. Two, that it's really not meant for covering under-eye circles. Any eye cream (and yes, you absolutely need eye cream) will roll up under the vibrating sponge applicator. Third, you don't want to slap this stuff on with a heavy hand, lest you want to look masky and fake and corpse-like. (If, however, that's your thing, go nuts. It's your world.) I've gotten it to look pretty natural on my cheeks and forehead, and am still working on the nose. I have no idea why it ends up looking weird on my nose, but whatever. Oh, and you might want to consider a water atomizer (Walgreen's usually has little ones by Evian) to gently spritz over your face when using any powder foundation to avoid that afore-mentioned corpsey look.

Here's the thing: this stuff is, like, almost fifty bucks. Me no likey pay that kind of coin for something that doesn't just knock my socks clean off. (I'd happily pay twice that for the Oscillation mascara primer, and will live on Ramen if it ever comes to that to support my habit.) So whatever. I'll use every last bit of it to get my money's worth, but I don't necessarily have to like it.

Moving on: the pushy Lancome lady who was determined to put me in a shade of foundation meant for, say, Halle Berry got me thinking. I intensely dislike people pushing beauty products who don't know their shit. This unfortunately happens all the time, what with all the Retail Fetusus (Feti?) trolling Sephora and the like. I once went for mascara at the same Lancome counter a few years ago, and was asked if I wanted to try their newest formula, "L'Extreme." I didn't buy or even try it on principle, only because the young thing working me pronounced it "LAY-ExTREEM." Honey-bunny, I'm trying really hard not to come off as a snob here, but I'm pretty sure it's pronounced something along the lines of "lecks-TREHM." Do your friggin' homework before trying to sell me thirty-dollar stuff.

The worst example I ever encountered would have been hilarious, if it wasn't so sad: I was cruising the Cosmetic Market, a local boutique that I normally love. A fetus approached, rocking glitter eyeliner and a side part strategically positioned oh, I don't know, an inch-and-a-half above her ear, and asked if she could help. (I doubt it, but this should be good.) Yes, I guess so, I replied. I'm looking for some new eyeshadow shades, and want to know what's the latest and greatest. She asked me, as well-intentioned as her little adolescent heart was, the following:

"Right. So, like, do you like shimmery shadow, or are you looking for something MATE?"

Wait, what?

Is "mate" a formula with which I'm not familiar? And if so, how did I miss it?

Is Mate a new brand? Do I need to try it? Did she mean did I want to look for lip shades that are good mates? Good matches? Do I need to get a hearing aid?

Oh.... oh, okay. I get it. I wish I didn't, and I'm not buying a damn thing from this fetus, but I get it. And I just couldn't help myself.

"Honey, don't you mean 'MATTE'?"

"Right, yeah."

I answered a fake phone call that I just HAD to take and left. I drove home, mouth agape and brows knitted, repeatedly blinking and saying, "mate?! MATE?!" Yes, mate. She actually thought that eyeshadow without shimmer particles in it was called "mate." And there you have it. People who don't know their shit. I guess it's for my own good, because my addiction to all things beauty would be even more all-consuming if every person in beauty retail REALLY knew his or her shit, but I digress. And to this day do not wear "mate" eyeshadow.

I Always Get Sucked In...

2009-11-16T19:58:00.000-06:00

... hoping that the people at Maybelline will finally get their heads out of their asses and make a good mascara, and I'm always left disappointed, bitter, and pissed. I've tried COLOSSAL (um, it was very NOT colossal-- they should have named it "CRAP-LOSSAL"), Pulse Perfection (better than Colossal-- although naked lashes are better than that garbage-- but still clumpy and not worth the fifteen bucks you save versus the department store vibrating mascaras), and yesterday I decided to try Great Lash BIG.

First: seriously, Maybelline, you can capitalize any product name you want, it won't make said product work any better. 'Kay?

Second: I'm sure there are plenty of y'all who love and are loyal to the original Great Lash. I mean, it's on Allure magazine's "Best of Beauty" list every year. Every. Friggin'. Year. I'm sure, for those of you who have the slightest bit of substance to your lashes, it's positively the bee's knees. If you feel that way, might want to just stop reading here and go do something else. No harm, no foul-- but come back soon, I have lots of other crap to discuss.

So I gave it a shot hoping that, at less than five bucks, it would rival Lash Blast in producing a fat fringe at an even cheaper price. I would be wrong. It's okay at best, and certainly doesn't give me BIG lashes. Furthermore, it took me longer to layer it on to get a decent result that what I can get with just a few swipes of Lash Blast. I guess if you only have five bones to spare on mascara, have at it. But don't expect miracles.

First, Facebook, Next... Twitter?

2009-11-15T21:16:00.000-06:00

Hey ladies! I finally figured out how to create a Facebook page for this little blog, and already have FOURTEEN fans! Woo! (Okay, so I sent an invitiation to become a fan to just about every female I'm friends with on FB, but whatever-- they could have ignored. Fourteen of them didn't! Hooray!)

I'm currently in the throes of writing my column for the December issue of VIP Williamson, which is going to be a breathless holiday beauty survival guide. I'll post it as soon as I finish. In the meantime, here's the November entry, in which I give some major props and thanks for those products that completely and thoroughly own my ass.

Give “Beauty-ful” Thanks

We all have so much to be thankful for, and there’s nothing like gathering with family and friends to eat, visit, reflect, and (if you’re like my family) eat some more. The Beauty Junkie is also thankful for my beauty-product faves, those I return to again and again. Here’s my list of products for which I’m truly thankful—read and learn.

Clarisonic cleansing brush. I love this thing. Like a Sonicare for your face, it deep-cleans without stripping or irritating. It comes in normal- and sensitive-skin options, works with any cleanser (you get a trial-size cleanser with the brush), and even beeps when it’s time to move from one area of your face to the next. It also works miracles on self-tanning mistakes and spots that need non-abrasive exfoliation. It’s simply cleansing nirvana, and gives you brighter, more even-toned skin in the process. Seriously.

Rodial Glam Balm. I’ve can’t say enough about the little tube with a million uses. It ain’t cheap, but lasts a while, and does wonders on just about every part of your body that needs some TLC. Castor seed oil and pomegranate extracts do wonders for dry lips, cuticles, eyelids, nostrils, and skin that generally needs a boost. I’ve even rubbed the tiniest bit between my palms to smooth out the ends of my hair. I’ve used it on top of lipstick for shine, and under it in winter months for to smooth over dryness. In the highest elevations in Colorado, I applied it every night as a deeply hydrating mask, and every morning as a moisturizing makeup base. I’ve used it on razor burn. I could keep going, but you get it. I keep a tube in my bathroom and a tiny pot in my purse, and pray that the smart people at Rodial keep it coming. Love!

Lancome Oscillating Powerbooster and Cover Girl Lash Blast mascara. I’m sure y’all are sick to death of reading about my tried-and-true favorite mascara-and-primer combo, but you’ll just have to deal. Lash Blast is far and away the best all-around mascara. It gives the department-store formulas a run for their money (literally—Lash Blast costs all of seven dollars), and produces full, fat lashes. Waterproof, different shades, sparkly Lash Blast Luxe, lengthening Lash Blast Length—you name it, it has it. As for Powerbooster, nothing else primes, separates, and prepares lashes quite like it. Its price counteracts the affordability of Lash Blast, but it’s just quite simply worth every penny. I adore them, end of story.

Comptoir Sud Pacifique Vanille Abricot. It’s a mouthful, but it’s also the name of the best-smelling perfume ever. The entire line of Comptoir fragrances uses Tahitian vanilla paired with different elements, each of which is downright lovely. Vanille Abricot basically smells like birthday cake, but in a very grown-up, non-sickening way. When wearing it, I usually hear someone say, “Wow—I smell cake!” while looking around expectantly. (I’ve yet to find another perfume that brings about such happiness.) It’s truly unique, and smells delightful on just about everyone. I once found the body lotion at TJ Maxx, and you’d have thought I’d won the lottery. If you don’t want to invest in the standard-size spray, snag a purse-size one for around twenty bucks at Sephora. You’ll love it, I promise.

Paula Dorf Baby Eyes eye pencil, Cargo Eyelighter, and Anastasia Tinted Brow Gel. We’ve all heard of using eyeliner on the inner lower rims of our eyes, but the results can be bewildering. Dark colors shrink the eyes, and white can look chalky and fake. Baby Eyes comes in the perfect shade of beige that does absolute wonders for opening the eyes and faking the eight-hours-of-sleep look. Ditto the Eyelighter, a dual-ended sponge-tip pen that has matte powder on one end and shimmer on the other. I use the matte shade under my brows and at the outer corners of my eyes for lift, and the shimmery shade in the inner corners to highlight. Perfection. For a finished look, the Tinted Brow Gel is the best I’ve ever found for keeping unruly hairs at bay. It also subtly fills in any sparse spots and lasts all day without being stiff. You want to see me panic? Steal my Anastasia brow gel.

Finally, and most importantly, I’m thankful for all my beautiful readers and to VIP for letting me pen this little column! Fewer things give me such joy, and for that, thank you. Xoxo

Buying Guide

Clarisonic, Comptoir Sud Pacifique, Cargo, and Anastasia: Sephora

Rodial: Woo Cosmetics

Lancome: Belk

Cover Girl: Local drugstores

Paula Dorf: The Cosmetic Market

Lawd!

2009-10-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

So those of you who share my Facebook addiction have by now learned that I again find myself under the weather (what IS it about the first week in October that pisses off my body so much?!). This time? I'm on my freaking vacation with my freaking family in freaking Hilton Head. Here I sit, with oodles of time on my hands (while Hubs, Sis, et. al. live it up at a Packerbacker bar-- Hubs is a bit psychotic when it comes to Green Bay football), yet I cannot even motivate myself to take a shower-- wait, a freaking shower. When I do, however, I plan to do so with a Shower Steamer by Hydrasoap. My mommy found these cute little bath-bomb-esque tablets in an also-cute shop in Harbour Town and snapped up several as stocking stuffers. I played pitiful long enough to make her give me the one named "Clarity" containing eucalyptus and peppermint. I envision magically opened sinus cavities and an unburdened chest, all in the convenience of a hot shower, and all for less than five bucks. Sweet! If you're interested, peep their website here. They have all kinds of cute bath and shower products. I think you have to register in order to buy stuff from the website, so come up with a funny username, like clownpenis.fart. Do it. Please. I need something to laugh about; well, at least something that doesn't make me laugh so hard that I end up coughing up a lung.

P.S.-- This post is my first one from my fancy new MacBook! Who's fancy? I'M FANCY! (Well, not really, but I did have a Best Buy giftcard, and didn't officially have a personal laptop, but since I feel so crappy, I've decided to convince myself that I'M FANCY in hopes that it lifts the hacky coughy spirits.)

I Got Ya Friction Riiiiiight Ovah Here.

2009-09-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

Hello, strangers. I was gently motivated to contribute a new tidbit by my sweet mommy (though she totally didn't mean it that way), who recently asked, "Have you put anything new in your blog recently? I haven't seen anything..." Um, no, Mama, I haven't. I figure the least I can do is proffer a few words for Mama and all my other peeps to chew on for a few minutes. So here goes:

Have we talked about Tarte's fRxtion (pronounced "friction") yet? No? Oh goodness, set your alarm and go get some in the a.m. It may be the best twelve bucks you'll ever spend. This fabulous lip-scrub-and-balm combo is packaged in a split stick that has a mirror built into the cap (um, Fabulous, party of one...). One side is a sugar scrub in an emollient base, and the other side is a yummy lip balm. Give that pucker a good scrubbin', and just try not to lick the scrub side (you won't be able to refrain, trust). Now wipe off the scrub and load up on the balm. Now go flit about and try not to act surprised when you hear, "Excuse me, Miss Jolie, can I get an autograph?" (Also, Angelina? Stop it. Stop with the tattoos, stop with the baby factory, stop with the emaciation, just stop. Brad was way hotter before you ensnared him in your evil black-leather web. Jen may not be able to keep a man, but at least she's not trying to channel Elvira. Have I mentioned that the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" was my FAVORITE song when I was little? Loved!)

This was the other weapon in my arsenal during the Colorado trip last month. My piehole got a good two rounds of fRxtion everyday to keep dryness and scaly bits at bay, and it kicked ass. Look at it this way: the afforability of fRxtion totally offsets the exorbitant price tag of the Glam Balm. But both are fab, and you seriously need both as we head into the season we call Winter (that toothless whore). So go get it, and scrub-and-balm away. You'll thank me. You'll also thank me when I quit being a no-count and am better about posting. Okay, I've gotta go-- a new episode of "Golden Girls" is starting. Don't ever accuse me of not having my priorities straight...

Rocky Mountain High...

2009-08-17T18:12:00.001-05:00

For those of you who've been reading my blog for the past year (big, inappropriate hugs to you), you'll recall my foray into heavy-duty moisturizers upon traveling to Colorado with Hubs for one of his conferences. Well, it's that time again, and here I sit on my mountainside balcony at more than nine thousand feet above sea level, watching the mountain gondolas ferry crazy-assed mountain bikers up another two thousand feet so they can defy death, snakes, rocks, and whatnot all the way back down. (I'm assuming these are the folks who are crazy-assed ski bums in the colder months. Not for me, not for me.) The only product keeping me from looking like a science experiement this time around? Rodial Glam Balm. Sho' 'nuff.

Glam Balm rules all in the moisture department (a warning-- if you're like me, and talk really fast and sometimes don't e-nun-ci-ate like you should, you'll end up calling it "Glam Blam." Trust.). It's very thick, very emollient, and comes in a tube so small that, at eighty bucks, you'll likely find yourself upon its purchase saying, "Self, I have to stop reading that Julie girl's blog. That bitch has officially lost her damn mind." But I promise, a little goes a long way, a little dab'll do ya, insert whatever other corny euphemism you can think of here. Stuff is dense, but spreads out once it warms to the touch. Expect one tube to last a few months, unless you find yourself almost two miles above sea level and are patting it under your eyes, on your lips, all over your face before bed, along your cuticles, etc., etc., like I am this week. Whatever-- it works. Additionally, it promises all sorts of anti-aging benefits with regular use, such as plumper lips (yes, I need those) and fewer wrinkles (um, yes, really need that) in thirty days. It's also awesome for those of your who suffer from dry skin under the eyes and around the nostrils from allergy-induced eye-watering and nose-blowing. If you're lucky enough to find yourself in a Bloomingdale's that has a Space.NK in it (in which case, you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do for not inviting me), pick it up there. Otherwise, get it here. You Nashville pretties can get it at Woo Cosmetics in Green Hills. Love that place.

On a totally different front, please be sure to keep my friend Amy in your thoughts and prayers and check out her blog immediately. She leaves for the Peace Corps this week, and will spend two years in Namibia. Rest assured that a beauty care package from the Beauty Junkie will make its way over to her very soon after she's settled. Talk to you soon ladies!

Buzz buzz buzz...

2009-08-10T16:35:00.001-05:00

An update on the Pulse Perfection mascara: it works much better WITHOUT a primer under it. I experienced the same thing back in the fall with that Godforsaken Phenomen'Eyes by Givenchy (clearly, I'm not bitter). PP still takes longer to apply than non-vibrating versions, but the result is pretty good. Just thought I'd pass along a little tidbit to tide you all over until I can post something more worthwhile (btw, I have no idea when that will be, but I love you for being patient). In the meantime, keep it real, and flaunt those lashes! Kisses!

Brace Yourself.

2009-07-19T14:55:00.001-05:00

That's exactly what you're going to have to do before trying out the newest thing in mascara. This stuff is beyond-ridiculous-super-awesome, and you'll have to make sure you use it for the first time completely alone because you're going to want to smack somebody.

Wait, let me back it up a tic...

You all know how I feel about mascara (I'm very black-and-white about it: I either love a mascara or I hate it, nothing inbetween, and if I hate it, I will hold a nasty grudge against it and its manufacturer for all eternity). You also know how I feel about Lancome's Cils Booster XL, and if you haven't tried it yet, well, I can't really help you. It rules all, and kicks my ass everyday with its blistering awesomeness. It freed me from the snobbery of department-store mascaras, and showed me that, as long as I had Cils Booster on board (think of it as underwear for lashes-- they should call it Lash Panties! Ha!), I could freely slap on six-dollar drugstore stuff and get heavy-duty results.

Quite simply, I love it, I love it, I love it.

Okay, so we have that established. I also told you a few months ago that Lancome had launched their vibrating mascara Oscillation (see older post for details). It was only a matter of time before they put two and two together and launched a vibrating version of Cils Booster XL. (I'd like to think that they did it just to make me happy.) Oscillation Powerbooster has a totally stupid name, and costs almost forty bucks, but you're just going to have to deal with it, like I did. It does an even better job than Cils Booster at priming, boosting, separating, and prepping lashes for whatever mascara you want (I humbly suggest the fabu Lash Blast), and produces the fattest, most defined, prettiest, flirtiest, sexiest lashes ever.

EVER.

Powerbooster is available just about everywhere. Nordstrom carried it first earlier in the month, but I found it a bit ridiculous to have it shipped to me when I could wait a couple of weeks and snag it at a department store. I don't care how you get it, just get it and, as I said, brace yourself. The vibrating mascaras can take a little time to get used to, but not Powerbooster. It hooks your ass up right out of the gate. The first time I tried it (earlier this week, when I immediately washed my face upon arriving home so I could tee it up), I almost blinded myself trying to take closeup pictures of my results so I could post them online. I even kept one eye totally bare, for the sake of comparison. I couldn't get the pics to turn out right, and was starting to see spots from so many flashes, so you'll just have to trust me. Be prepared to yell out expletives/ exultations/ a few lines from the Hallelujah Chorus/ whatever, and advise your loved ones to keep a safe distance, because you will feel the need to just haul off and smack the fire out of whoever's closeby.

Oh, I also tried Maybelline's vibrating mascara this week. Pulse Perfection promises to do what Oscillation does, at half the price. Fifteen bucks is pricey for drugstore mascara, and we all know how I feel about other Maybelline mascaras (see my rant about their Colossal formula in an earlier post). That said, I was willing to suspend my grudge and peep the Pulse. And?

Meh.

It's fine, but a little thick for a vibrating format, and is a little clumpy. It's hard to know when you're crossing over into Clumpytown, because you keep thinking that the vibrating wand will separate lashes. If you just can't bear to spend thirty bucks for the department-store version (or are saving that cash for the Powerbooster-- a wise choice), I'm fine with your using Pulse Perfection, but I'd rather you use Lash Blast. More bang for the buck, in my opinion.

So what are you doing still reading? Get off your duff and go by some Powerbooster! I expect a full report!

Confessions of an Aspiring Tanorexic

2009-07-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

It's a holiday weekend! That means I get to blog! Woo-hoo, yippee, and so forth! I'm also coming off of a fantabulous birthday Girl Night, wherein I received many compliments on my sunless tan, and felt the need to share my strategy. (P.S.? Not to brag, but Ihave the best friends ever. I was all down in the dumps that Hubs was out-of-town, and didn't want to be my own friggin' D.D. on my birthday, and cooked up a "come-by-the-house-for-a-glass" extravaganza. Totally worth feeling like I did this morning.)

Okay, so. Tanning. I've already established that real tanning and tanning beds are evil temptresses hell-bent on making us all look like the Cryptkeeper, and have a two-inch scar on my stomach to prove it (thanks, pre-cancerous cells, for migrating beyond the little hole-punch that my awesome dermatologist dutifully removed first-- you just had to spread out, and you shall pay for it). I've also established that my natural skin tone is fair, fair, fair, and that I merely burn and freckle in the sun (although I spent countless hours toiling away in "sanitized," mushroom-scented tanning beds trying to prove to myself otherwise), and am now terrified of the waste that sun damage can lay to one's face, which brings me to slapping on mystery potions to replicate a healthy glow. I've tried countless varieties of such, because I'm not secure enough in myself to flaunt my pasty ass a' la Nicole Kidman (Nic, please, in the name of all things holy, lay off the Botox and eat a sandwich. You're thin, you're pale, you're not a fan of a natural-looking smile-- we get it, already.). Which brings me to this post. Let's unpack it, shall we?

I'm a big fan of the everyday, subtle-tan body lotions, but it's hard to get them right. They smell weird, and tend to build up too much in pockets (inside of elbows, backs of knees, inside of wrists) and roll up on themselves, producing a skin-disease-esque effect. Not pretty. That said, I really like the Neutrogena daily sunless tanner that has a broad-spectrun SPF of 20, mainly for the fact that it contains a sunscreen. We all need sunscreen every single day, and not just on our faces. I also like Jergens' Natural Glow Firming Daily Moisturizer, but don't really notice a cumulative firming effect. My main beef with the run-of-the-mill daily sunless lotion is that, for what it does in the tanning department, it lacks in moisturization. It's common for my skin to feel tight and uncomfortable by the end of the day if I've applied one of these in the morning post-shower. My skin is not unlike the friggin' Sahara, and I can't skimp on moisture. If I double up, I find myself in mystery-skin-disease-lookin' territory twice as fast. What to do?

I've found a daily lotion that I really, really like, but am conflicted. Rodial Brazilian Tan Daily smells like yummy cocoa butter, moisturizes better than the rest, and builds a pretty, believable tan. Additionally, Rodial also makes a more potent Brazilian Tan formula for full-on self-tanning (in two color formulations: Light and Dark) that offers similar properties (although the Daily formula is certainly a better moisturizer than the tanning lotion). My issue? Each of these bitches will set you back an amount on the fighting side of fifty bucks. [Sigh.] I find it hard to justify this expense, except in the occasions in which I garner compliments on my natural-looking glow, as I did last night (and, look, it was my stinking birthday-- I'm big on buying presents for myself, and a luxurious self-tanning routine seemed in order). I'm still in search of a similar formula that will offer the same results without the expense, and will keep you posted.

I mentioned in my previous post that I'm a big fan of Modelco Airbrush Tan in a Can, and still am. That said, I picked up a bottle of the new Sevin Nyne airbrush tan at Sephora just prior to leaving for vacation to evaluate. First, after finding out that Lindsay Lohan (aka Crackie Crackerton McFaux-Lesbian) helped develop the product, I kind of wanted my money back, on principle alone. Alas, we were headed south the following morning, so I didn't have the time. I have to say that the smell was very non-starchy (nice, even), and the aerosol mist was finer and easier to apply than that of the Modelco formula. My only complaints are these: first, the mist is fine enough that you have to make several passes at the body part in question to produce an even color, which uses an inordinate amount of product (I think I got two full-body applications out of the can-- unacceptable); second, there are absolutely no moisturizing properties in this formula whatsoever. If you're not tragically dry, this may not matter, but it does for me-- my skin positively cried when I got out of bed the morning after applying it the night before post-shower. Ouchie.

I guess, in the meantime, I'll stick with Modelco and supplement with the Rodial and Jergens lotions. I'll continue to explore and will definitely keep you bitches posted. Until then, what sunless formulas to do you like?

[Heavy, exasperated sigh...]

2009-06-29T21:41:00.000-05:00

Yeah yeah yeah, I slack. This month has been off da chain, and not in a good way, peeps. Additionally, we managed to squeeze in a vacation the earlier part of the month for our fifth anniversary. Yay, us! We spent a week in paradise and had an absolute blast. Alas, then it was back to reality, at which point I spent at least ten days rending my garments and gnashing my teeth. Which brings us to the ass-end of the month.

So I've got good news, and I've got a little semi-good news. Good news: you can now view my column postings online at http://www.vipmag.com/williamson_co_eMag/index.html. (It's actually one of those high-falutin' page-by-page versions of the entire magazine. Shut up! I know! And so forth!) I'd love for those of you who don't live around these parts to peep it. The semi-good news (hopefully for you)? Now I have to come up with two rounds of original shit per month (at the very least, as far as the blog goes): one for the mag, one for the blog. Normally, this would strike a chord of joy and rapture in my cold, black heart; these days, it's a little different. See, I want to write more than I want to do just about anything, but don't want to go about it half-assed, which is what I would likely end up doing, thanks to my other professional obligations (which brings me back to getting paid to do this shit right here-- any of you know a literary agent? Anyone? Bueller?). So, I promise to do my level best, even if it means remaining the once-a-month-posting kind of bitch I seem to be these days. As Mama always said, this too shall pass.

In the interim, I'm offering a sneak-peek of my July column. (Um, yes, I do realize that July starts in less than 27 hours, thanks. Work with me here.) Pour yourself a glass of something lovely: this one's loaded with product suggestions. That said, they all rock your ass, so pace yourself. Loves y'all.

“Life’s a Beach!”

Yay, summer! Time for beach vacations and long weekends by the pool—what better way to cool off from the Tennessee humidity? All this fun can also mean fried hair, melting makeup, and lizard skin. No worries, girls—you have the Beauty Junkie to give you the scoop on how to sail through summer looking your prettiest.

I harp on the sunscreen thing for good reason. I’ve mentioned the new COOLA brand of sunscreen before, and I really put it to the test during a week-long beach vacay. I went through an entire tube of the Sport formula over the course of the week, and it did a fantastic job of providing moisturizing, water-resistant, chemical-free protection. The facial sunscreen is awesome too, offering non-irritating coverage that won’t cause breakouts. Additionally, it won’t tax the sunless tan you’re rocking, and is loaded with antioxidants for anti-aging benefits. For lips, check out The Balm BalmShelter, a gloss with SPF that comes in a range of pretty colors and smells heavenly! Let’s not forget the hair: the best way to maintain that precious color is to shield it from the elements. Keep your color in place with a sunscreen spray specifically for hair. Kerastase Micro-Voile Protecteur is one of the best; Phyto Phytoplage is another good one. (If you’re more reactive than pro-active, invest in one of the rich Kerastase post-sun conditioners.) In a pinch, drench your hair in fresh water prior to pool or ocean activity—it’ll partially seal out chlorine and salt. Rinse again as soon as you’re back on dry land. Throw an extra layer of topcoat on that mani and pedi to prevent fade-out. Add a chic floppy hat and oversized shades, and you’re good to go.

Post-sun-and-fun, it’s all about nourishing your skin and hair and repairing any damage. For the money, I find that oils do the best job all-around. Check out Moroccanoil Treatment, a potent formula that calms frayed hair and does double-duty on parched skin. (Insider tip: a little goes a long way, especially on fine hair. Apply it just on the ends.) Unsnarl tangles gently with a wide-tooth comb, and skip the styling tools by sweeping your hair into a low, messy bun or sleek ponytail. For a self-indulgent twist on moisturizing, light an Earthly Body Suntouched candle prior to stepping into the shower or tub. This genius paraffin-free candle is comprised of natural oils that melt with the heat of the flame, leaving you with deliciously-scented and intensely moisturizing body oil (a tiny spoon is included for scorch-free ladling). My favorite scent is—ahem—Naked in the Woods. For more serious sunburns (you clearly aren’t listening), pure aloe vera gel right from the stalk is best; otherwise, try Cool Aloe Burn Relief gel by Hawaiian Tropic. Stash it in the freezer for instant relief.

Now, I know that none of us likes discussing hair removal in minute detail, so let’s just hit the high points. Ditch the costly trip to the spa (and painful waxing routine) and pick up a Schick Intuition Plus razor. Quite simply, it rules. The self-adjusting four-bladed cartridge is encased in a solid block of lubricating moisturizer that protects delicate skin before and after each pass of the razor. Upon its discovery, I gave up waxing immediately. If you still suffer from irritation post-shave, smooth on Bikini Zone, a topical anesthetic that reduces razor burn and unsightly bumps.

Give the heavy makeup a rest on sultry summer nights. Spot-conceal only where you need it, and sweep on shimmery bronzer where sun would naturally hit: cheekbones, forehead, and shoulders. Guerlain Terracotta Light and Bobbi Brown Shimmer Brick are absolute perfection, but at a price. Physicians Formula offers more affordable options with its Magic Mosaic and Shimmer Strips. (For daytime, swap dense foundation for a tinted moisturizer with SPF—I like Kiehl’s.) Pat on a shimmer cream shadow, glide on black mascara for maximum pop, and slick on some gloss. Break out that sassy dead-of-summer dress, those to-die-for wedges, and enjoy yourself. Meet me at the pool this weekend—I’ll need all the details!

Buying Guide
COOLA: Woo Cosmetics, Green Hills
The Balm and Earthly Body: Serendipity, downtown Franklin
Kerastase: Studio Gaven, Cool Springs
Phyto and Guerlain: Sephora, the Mall at Green Hills
Moroccanoil: Shine the Salon, Green Hills
Hawaiian Tropic, Schick, Bikini Zone, Physicians Formula: local drugstores
Kiehl’s: Cosmetic Market, Cool Springs

... and June, as promised (see, I'm not THAT much of a slackass)

2009-05-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

All right. You all know my love-hate relationship with self-tanning (naked out-passing forty-eight hours pre-wedding notwithstanding). I tried to democratically and diplomatically tackle said topic for the June mag column. Rest assured that I'll be back (hopefully over the holiday weekend, which I plan to pack with lazy-assing around-- oh, and drinking, there will be plenty of that) to discuss and dissect in much, much more detail. For those of you who don' t know me, peep this: I feel about self-tanning products the same way I feel about mascara. If I love it, I love it and will tell everyone I know to buy it/ try it/ steal it/ whatever. If a product disappoints me, the phrase "hell hath no scorn" doesn't even begin to describe. Occupy your ass with this in the meantime-in-between-time, yo.

“A Whiter Shade of Pale”

Remember when you were young, and you were being bad, and your mother/ father/ granny/ babysitter snatched you up by your armpit and said through clenched teeth, “I’m gonna tan your hide”? (If not, you were obviously a better-behaved child than I.) Well, it’s finally summertime, and for most of us, that means the onset of the never-ending search for the perfect sunless tan. I know many of you are sun-worshippers, as I used to be, but to avoid wrinkles and premature aging (caused primarily by sun damage), sunless is truly the way to go. That said, the results from some of the sunless tanning products out there can be unpredictable. So, let’s get to it.

Let’s tan that hide.

Let me just say that I am very pale. I am also as vain as can be and, despite having full knowledge of the evils of tanning, would like for just one day to be one of those “I-get-brown-as-a-biscuit” types. I don’t tan—I burn, period. (Then, if I’m lucky, I freckle.) I’ve spent countless minutes and dollars trying the fancy tanning beds that promise to avoid sunburn, only to end up with hellacious sun poisoning. For this reason, it’s sunless or nothing for me. Thankfully, we have a myriad of options these days, from gradual-color lotions to aerosol sprays to open-booth misting systems. Your best option depends on how much time you have to spend on gaining and maintaining natural-looking color.

Most of my favorite gradual-tanning lotions can be found at your drugstore. Jergens has done a great job with their Natural Glow line. I particularly like the foaming moisturizer and the Express moisturizer. A couple tips: exfoliate and shave before you get started with any self-tanning routine, and pick up a pair of dishwashing gloves to avoid tanned palms (to tan the backs of your hands, remove one glove, rub on lotion with the gloved hand, then re-glove and change sides). Load up on either one of these for a few days and break out those tank tops. My favorite face lotion is Clarins’ Radiance-Plus Self Tanning Crème-Gel. It is mild enough for sensitive skin, but subtly delivers believable color. Try it every other day in place of your regular moisturizer.

Looking for a more aggressive approach to self-tanning? Try an aerosol spray with built-in bronzer. The spray delivers seamless color, and the bronzer shows you where exactly the spray lands on your skin. I’m a big believer in Modelco’s Tan Airbrush in a Can. It does a great job of delivering natural-looking color, and the bronzer ensures goof-proof placement. A word of advice: while you’re getting the hang of tanning yourself, it’s best to work in your shower with the curtain pulled. Trust me—the aerosol mist goes everywhere (use the dishwashing-glove trick)!

For the ultimate in quick color, head to the spray-tanning booth. VersaSpa and MysticTan are the two leading the pack, and both can be found locally. My latest experience was with VersaSpa, and I was pleased. The open booth mists you in three phases: primer, tanning solution, and moisturizing extender. The booth also “dries” you in between each phase with blowing air. You can choose from three levels of color, and the tan develops in a few hours. Most tanning formulas have a slightly starchy smell due to the chemical DHA that dyes your skin, producing the “tan.” Thankfully, VersaSpa’s smell is almost nonexistent. Head downtown to Urban Sun (owned by a Franklin resident). The staff is very knowledgeable and friendly. Stop in for the full monty, or tan just your legs if you’re short on time. The nicest thing about a VersaSpa tan is how it fades: subtly and evenly. This is not the case with many other self-tanning methods, which can get spotty and streaky as they fade (that’s when it’s best to just exfoliate and start over). I only wish the color stuck around a little longer! With any spray tan, try to avoid run-of-the-mill moisturizer, as it can “eat” a sunless tan. Make use of one of the gradual tanning lotions we discussed to prolong your color. I’ve even used the Clarins lotion on my legs in a pinch, and it worked great (though it’s not the most economic choice).

So now you have a few options to get that hide tanned. Hopefully, this time around, the process doesn’t involve running afoul of your elders. I expect to see all of you lovelies glowing about Williamson County! Happy Summer!

Clarins: Dillard’s and Belk, Cool Springs Galleria
VersaSpa and Mystic Tan: http://www.versaspa.com/; http://www.mystictan.com/

This month's VIP column (June to follow shortly)...

2009-05-21T17:21:00.000-05:00

So I guess I'm damned and determined to be a once-a-month-post kinda girl. I hate that. One of these days my job will calm its ass down and I will be able to post more often. Until then, I, and you, will just have to live with it. Here's what I put together for the May magazine column. For those of you who read this blog (I love you, you're my best friend), most of this will be a bit of a recap of shit I've discussed before now. For those of you newbies, you'll want to take notes (and get with the program, would ya?).

"Off to the Races!"

Ah, May: month of outdoor parties, the Kentucky Derby, and, of course, Steeplechase. Long, fun-filled Saturdays no doubt highlight the need for a pretty look that lasts and lasts. Have no fear, the Beauty Junkie is here with a few tips to keep you looking fresh all day long (and even into the evening for cocktails after the races).

When planning for a long day outdoors with little time for touchups (and possibly inclement weather), think of your pretty face as a blank canvas. It’s worth taking a few extra minutes to prime your face to prep it for your makeup routine. I like Clean Slate by Tarte, a clear gel that glides on easily. Then brush on your foundation with a foundation brush (yes, it does make a difference). Follow with a gentle dusting of powder to set everything. Gel or cream-to-power blush has the most staying power, so pick one. Finally, spritz your face with the tiniest bit of water or mist with a water atomizer. There—perfect. Now, let’s work on those eyes.

When it comes to beauty, the eyes have it—and when it comes to long-lasting eye makeup, Bobbi Brown has you covered. Pat the Cream Shadow Stick onto your upper eyelids from lashline to brow (use your ring finger—it’s the weakest finger, and therefore won’t pull delicate eye skin as much). This primes your lids just as Clean Slate does your face, and has a perfect finish that won’t interfere with your eyeshadow. Next, brush on a pretty wash of shimmer with Bobbi’s Long-Wear Cream Shadow. (I like Beach Honey for a casual day look, and Galaxy for smoky evening eyes.) Make sure to use a brush meant for cream eye shadow—you can use your finger in a pinch, but a brush makes for a much more even distribution of color. To make those peepers pop, line the top lid with a line of Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner that gets slightly thicker as you move toward the eye’s outer corner. You’ll need to make use of an eyeliner brush to really make this work. Now don’t get all “we get it with the brushes already!” I can promise you that the payoff is totally worth it. (Bobbi has a line of fabulous brushes that will last you forever and are worth every penny. A cheaper option is the Sonia Kashuk line, available at Target.) Sweep some brow gel over your eyebrows to groom them and keep them in place.

You’re almost finished. Curl your eyelashes and brush on Cils Booster XL by Lancome. You can thank me later—this stuff is ridiculously awesome. It primes the lashes for mascara and makes any formula work that much better. Follow that up with a long-wearing, preferably waterproof mascara. I’m normally not a fan of waterproof mascara—too drying and too hard to gently remove on an everyday basis—but on a long, hot day, it will last the longest. If you’re looking for a suggestion, try Bobbi’s No-Smudge Mascara or Lash Blast Waterproof by Cover Girl. Line and completely fill in your lips with a creamy pencil that matches your natural lip color. Top with a shimmery, non-sticky gloss for shiny color that’s not overly opaque (skip matte lipstick, as it can be too heavy). Now, would you just look at yourself! You’ll be fresh as a daisy, while your friends’ makeup slides down their faces and onto those pretty sundresses. (Poor things, they should have read this column.)

A few parting words to make that all-day affair more bearable: stash a Johnson & Johnson’s Blister Stick in your handbag (great for anywhere your clothes or shoes rub), layer your fragrance for the most staying power, and PLEASE wear sunscreen. Kill two birds with one stone by choosing Coola Total Body Sunscreen in Plumeria: it smells lovely and offers hypo-allergenic, organic sun protection. Happy Spring, ladies!

Buying Guide:

Tarte: Sephora, The Mall at Green Hills
Bobbi Brown and Lancome: Belk, Cool Springs Galleria
Cover Girl and Johnson & Johnson’s: Local drugstores
Coola: Woo Cosmetics, Green Hills

"You're Mentally Unstable."

2009-04-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

So sayeth my lovely sister a mere twenty-four hours before my wedding. She was serious, and she was terrified. (Poor thing wasn't married yet, she had no idea the level of psychosis that impending nuptials can bring to a detail-oriented bitch like me-- and like her.) My married friends knew better: they just stood by, closely inspecting their shoes. I think my poor little cousin had a stroke. What could possibly have caused such a meltdown?

Well, how long do you have?

Let's back it up a tic. Almost five years ago, I married a wonderful man in a beautiful ceremony, surrounded by 400 of our nearest and dearest, and lived it up at a kick-ass reception. A great time was had by all. Prior to that day, my wedding planning strategy hinged upon everything going according to plan, including and especially my plan to look ass-slappingly fabulous. You can probably guess by this point that not all went according to plan, cosmetically or otherwise. Read on...

I am pale. Pasty. Fair (my preferred term). A white girl. I refused to walk down the aisle in June with skin the exact same color as my dress. I wanted color on the big day that would last through the first few days of the honeymoon that wouldn't look artificial. I also refused to make time in my life for smudges or self-tanning mishaps. I decided on an airbrush tan-- the salon type in which someone sprays you with the powered airbrush-gun-thing. The challenge? All the decent places to get this sort of thing done were in Nashville, and the wedding was in my hometown, an hour away. I didn't have time to run up and down I-24 in the name of a tan in the days leading up to the wedding (though, in retrospect, that's exactly what I should have done, time management be damned), and decided I would just get it done at home.

The plot thickens.

So I went in two days before the wedding to give the color time to set and for me to fully assess the results. I went to the one place at home that even offrered this sort of thing and was tanned by a fetus. (I swear to God, she couldn't have been older than eighteen.) She gave me a nickel-sized blob of barrier cream to put on my palms and assured me that it would be enough. Um, it wasn't. I mentioned in my column that my hands and feet were brown the next morning. Ladies, when I say "brown," I don't mean "brown-as-a-biscuit tan." I mean "the color of oak hardwood floors" BROWN. I also mentioned that the tanning solution reacted with my underarm and bikini wax from that morning and turned those areas gray. Again, I don't mean "in-need-of-oxygen gray-ish." I mean the color of your mothereffing television screen when it's in the "off" position. Pair that with my light blonde hair, and I was a frigging rainbow of a gal. That's not even the worst/ funniest part.

The worst part?

I fainted.

During my airbrush tan.

Naked as a jaybird.

In front of the Tanning Fetus.

While she was tanning me (fetus-style, I assume).

Naked.

I fell against the wall on my way down...

... and I'm pretty sure I showed the Tanning Fetus everything that God gave me in the process, as when I came to, I was in the fetal position, with my ass out for all to see.

Did I mention I was completely naked? (What? Like I was going to have tan lines on my honeymoon.)

Oh, and did I forget to tell you that I smudged the tan I was so particular about in the process of dropping like a rock, leaving a brown streak of tanning solution on the wall? And that the fetus had to retouch the areas of my tan that I left on said wall?

(Wait for it...)

When I finally came back around, the fetus was so freaked out that she went and got me the leftovers from that day's lunch (bless her heart), and insisted that I eat the crumby dust from the bottom of her bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. She had a point-- I don't think I'd eaten that day, but hadn't set out to go on a pre-wedding hunger strike. I just had shit to do. (P.S.? Dorito dust tastes pretty damn awesome when eaten naked while sitting on a tiny stool in front of a high-powered fan, waiting to regain your senses and for your airbrush tan to dry.) Additionally, I'd brought my little cousin with me (before her drama-induced neurological episode) so she could also get an airbrush tan, and the fetus fetched her from the lobby. Poor thing was about sixteen, and she was not nearly equipped to handle this sitch. I wasn't sure what she was expecting, but your older bride-to-be cousin eating Dorito dust while her entire birthday suit is being fanned dry sounds pretty damn scary to me. What did we do next? Well, the only logical thing: I hung out, drying and regaining consciousness, while she got her airbrush on, and we drove home.

Of course, by this point my mother was ready to issue an APB to the State Trooper's office, since we were beyond late getting home for the ladies' spa party she was sweet enough to host at the house that night. I informed her of The Faint, with details, but nothing could have prepared her (or me, or my cousin) for our arrival back at home sweet home.

Uh, the tanning solution dried. And got darker as it did.

We're talking dark, ladies.

To sum up? I looked like an Aborigine chimneysweep.

(I was a big hit with the ladies in her prayer group who came to the spa party, trust me.)

I didn't dare go upstairs to shower myself off, for fear that my still-developing tan would wash down the drain. So I grinned and bore it, the Rainbow Bride in all her glory. The next morning, when I actually did shower, I started to notice the fact that my hands and feet didn't get any lighter once the bronzer washed away. I also noticed the gray parts. Once I came to the realization that this shit wasn't washing off, I had the most expletive-laden shower I've ever had in my life. It was one for the record books, ladies-- I invented an entirely new set of cuss words that morning. Loudly. Don't ask me what all I said, to this day I have no idea.

So there's that.

There's also the fact (though not necessarily beauty-related, but I'm in full-confession mode) that one of my astute bridesmaids pulled me aside during the rehearsal to let me know that, when I moved in a particular way, my panties showed through my pretty sundress. (I guess all my A-game paties were already packed for the honeymoon, and I had clearly called the B-team up to the big leagues.) The only clear alternative? Shuck 'em. The downside? This meant spending the rest of the evening completely terrified that I would trip and fall ass-over-teakettle down a flight of stairs, offering our wedding party the same view that the Tanning Fetus no doubt got the day before. Well, you know what the say about desperate times. The bad thing about it was that I didn't have my purse with me in the restroom when we did a "no-panty check," so they went into the trash (hey, they were B-team, afterall). Did I mention that this occured at our church? I'm sorry, there was just something inherently wrong about changing up the underwear landscape in the Lord's house. Am I wrong here?

When my sis declared to all within earshot that I'd come unhinged, we were still at the rehearsal, post panty-shuck and still rocking brown appendages and gray pits, and the bridal party was preparing to walk down the aisle. I heard a song start to play. It didn't sound like the song that was supposed to play during the processional. I expressed this fact... inaccurately. The tanning solution had obviously gone to my brain at that point, and my sister had had more than enough. After reading this, I hope that you won't blame me. Additionally, if any of this goes past this blog, I will deny ever writing it, citing a ghost writer who clearly wants to expose a very embarrassing set of stories that, uh, never happened. Yeah, that's it...

Slacky McLazyass

2009-04-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

Oh, my dear readers, I've failed you. It's hard for me to believe that it has been over a MONTH since my last post. Ridiculous, I say. So, to sum up, I suck. Moving along...

I still owe you bitches an expanded post about my bridezilla tales, and I stand firm on my promise that I will make that happen. Until then, here's what I wrote for this month's issue of VIP Williamson, about recessionista beauty. Read and learn, broads, read and learn.

"Recessionista Beauty Tips"

“Economic crisis.” “Stock market.” “Trillions of dollars.” Let’s not beat a dead horse—times are tough, but we still have to look and feel fabulous. What’s a beauty junkie to do? She gets creative, of course! Troll your local drugstores and “big-box” stores (Target and Wal-Mart) for these steals and deals, and laugh all the way to the bank.

First things first: by now, you’ve probably figured out that good skincare is #1 in my book. I’ve tried plenty of skincare lines, of varying price ranges and with mixed results. Gone are the days when only a day spa or department store could deliver worthy skincare products. Inexpensive brands are really stepping up their game, and not a moment too soon. Cruise the Health & Beauty aisles at Target, and rejoice: Boots Expert, Burt’s Bees, and Soap and Glory are just a few examples. I love the Boots line—they have anti-aging products under the name Boots No. 7, and the Expert line is for sensitive and/ or blemish-prone skin. I snagged the Boots Expert Sensitive cleanser, eye makeup remover pads, serum, eye serum, shower gel, and body lotion, and didn’t pay more than eight bucks for any one product. SWEET! It didn’t even think about irritating my dry, sensitive skin. Olay has been the recipient of much hype lately for its anti-aging products ($30 and under). Check out the Regenerist line, and be amazed!

Burt’s Bees has long been known for its awesome lip balm, but has recently expanded its offering with all-natural body care, skincare, and an anti-aging line. Their Naturally Ageless line offers an eye crème, serum, day lotion, and night crème, each for less than $25. Give them a try, and appease your inner hippie in the process. (Also pick up the Thoroughly Therapeutic body lotion—the honey scent is utterly realistic.) Soap and Glory, developed by the super-smart woman who’s behind the higher-end lines Bliss and Remede, offers a full complement of bodycare, lip gloss, and an undereye concealer. You won’t pay more than $30 for anything (and for that, you get a tote with full-size shower gel and body butter). Just about everything ranges from ten to fifteen dollars per-product, and the portions are generous. Like Bliss, the product names are delightfully witty. The plumping lip gloss is actually called Sexy Motherpucker! All right, so it’s a little PG-13, but what’s wrong with getting a little humor with your beauty?

My favorite recessionista beauty product has to be Lash Blast by Cover Girl. I discovered this mascara last summer and I love it, love it, love it. It’s easy to find, the brush is huge, it does a great job of beefing up my wispy fringe—and all this for seven bucks. Black, brown, waterproof, whatever you need, Lash Blast has it. There’s even a newfangled version called Lash Blast Luxe that sparkles. Fat, sparkly lashes AND money left in the checking account? Ooh-wee!

Let’s keep talking about makeup. I recently tried Almay’s new Pure Blends line, and I like it (I’m typically a bit of a makeup snob, outside of Lash Blast, so this is a first). It’s hypoallergenic, natural, and the packaging is eco-friendly. Their eye shadows, blushes, and bronzer shouldn’t cost your more than $6, and their new foundation is around $10. The fact that this foundation hasn’t broken me out yet is truly extraordinary—I’ve typically had to stick to mineral foundation to avoid face funkiness. Additionally, their eyeshadows bear a striking resemblance to my beloved Bobbi Brown Shimmer Wash shadows, at less than half the price. Go get some, and get pretty.

Still needing to slash your beauty budget? Good news—much of what you already have on hand can do double-duty. Mix sugar and honey for a fab facial scrub. Add some salt to a dollop of your thickest hand cream, and buff those hands and feet to perfection. Instead of spending money on fancy toner, pick up a big ol’ bottle of Witch Hazel. Out of blush? Dab a tiny bit of your favorite lipstick on the apples of your cheeks and blend, blend (this works best for those with dry skin). Apply plain white toothpaste to a pimple overnight to dry it out. Rinse with hydrogen peroxide at night for whiter teeth. And of course, remember that confidence and a pretty smile—both still free, the last time a checked—are always your best assets. Happy penny-pinching, pretties!

So, there's April. I really do stand behind every product I talked about... with one exception. After a couple of weeks of using the Almay foundation (and after I'd sent my column to the VIP editor), I did notice a little irritation around my hairline. I have sinced caved like a little bitch and picked up some of Bobbi Brown's tinted moisturizer. It was SO not ten dollars. Whatever. My skin is like a delicate flower, one easily upset by drugstore foundation. Like the Revlon gloss I condescended to try last year, I gave it my best friggin' shot.

All right, I'm going to start on my Bridezilla post, and will put it up tonight if I don't slip away into sweet, sweet slumber. We got some new furniture a few weeks ago, and I'm ensconced in one of our microsuede La-Z-Boy chairs. Laptop, wine, cushy chair (with legs extended and resting nicely on also-cushy footrest). I give myself a half-hour, tops, before I'm nodding off like a mammaw.

A Beauty Message in a Bottle

2009-03-04T22:12:00.001-06:00

One $100 replacement power cord (thanks to the IT bogarts who neglected to return mine), one passive-aggressive encounter at the nearest AT&T store to establish myself as the wireless-software martyr (I swear on all that is holy, it was all I could do not to inflict bodily harm on the poor girl who was forced to interact with me), one borderline-psychotic voicemail to said IT bogarts, and I'm BACK, baby!

I'd promised to elaborate on my wedding-beauty stories (and there are a couple doozies), but I thought I'd post what ended up being the column entry for the March issue of VIP magazine first. This should at least get you going. Please trust that I will be back over the weekend to give you the full-freakin'-monty, replete with shameful bridezilla episodes. (Whatever, like you've never been there.) Peruse and ponder, I'll anxiously await your input...

“You’ll Laugh About This One Day…”

Spring is in the air, as is the wedding season. This is the time to plan (or perhaps wrap up plans for) the wedding of your dreams. There are infinite details that accompany planning a wedding, which are best left to the professionals. Instead let’s get you ready for a day that demands you look and feel your absolute best.

Readying yourself for the Big Day can seem daunting: there are makeup looks and hairstyles to be considered, skin to whip into shape, etc. Let’s start with your skin. Head to your favorite day spa and ask its most experienced esthetician about facials. It’s best to start early—several weeks before the wedding—and book a series of facials appropriate to your skin type. I chose the Microexfoliation facials at Private Edition. I discovered this fabu facial by stumbling in and telling the sweet girl at the counter, “I’m getting married and I need baby’s-butt skin!” Classy. Nevertheless, she delivered—I did a series of six about three weeks apart, with the last one about a week before my wedding. I did indeed emerge with baby’s-butt skin. It’s not exactly a cheap endeavor, but having beautiful skin in all those all-important photos makes it well worth the price.

Consider the rest of your skin, too. Need a little color before W-Day? Opt for self-tanning over those wretched tanning beds (wrinkles! Aging! Cancer!). Self- and airbrush-tanning formulas produce a very believable color. Make sure that you build gradually, and that you don’t apply too often (not pretty). This is another chance to hit up the day spa about their airbrush services; alternately, try the Mystic Tan system. If you choose to do it yourself, try Modelco’s Airbrush Tan in a Can (available at Sephora and the Cosmetic Market). Start several weeks out so you can get the hang of tanning yourself. Exfoliate (then shave) beforehand, dry yourself off completely, wear dishwashing gloves, start from your feet, and work your way north. It takes a little practice, but it’s much more affordable than going to a salon.

On to makeup: this is obviously of utmost importance. Don’t talk to me about going makeup-free on your wedding, unless you’re barefoot on the beach (and even then, would some mascara and lip gloss kill you?). If possible, work with an artist—cruise the makeup counters for advice as well. If that’s not an option, peruse the bridal mags for makeup ideas and buy accordingly. This is not the time for dark, smoky eyes or a screaming fuchsia lip. Think soft, think defined, think pretty. Experiment with different looks weeks before the wedding to pick your best option (ask your friends to rate your choices, and take pictures). Choose a foundation without SPF; otherwise, your face will be lighter than your body in pictures. Find the perfect liner, lipstick, and gloss, and pack them in your pretty purse for reception touch-ups.

Rude awakening alert: things don’t always happen as planned. Your hair falls flat, you wake up with an angry pimple. You can’t possibly anticipate every “what-if?” scenario for your wedding, so just roll with the punches. Hence this column’s title: I’m “confessing” my wedding mishaps. My intimate knowledge of self-tanning comes from the fact that I had an airbrush tan two days beforehand and woke up the next morning with brown hands and feet. Not bronze—BROWN. Why would I suggest that you time your waxing and self-tanning accordingly? Because I had an underarm and bikini wax the morning of my airbrush tan, and ended up with gray—ahem—areas. (I now realize that the tanner reacted with the open pores created by the waxing.) At the rehearsal, my sister deemed me “mentally unstable”—to my face. In retrospect, I don’t blame her. I thought my world was going to collapse over my brown hands and gray underarms. In reality, I scrubbed most of the brown away (lemon juice, pool water, and multiple expletives helped), my dress concealed the then-faded gray pits, and I now find these stories completely hilarious. Since my sister got married soon after, I have plenty of blackmail on her (handing her my eyelash curler before her wedding whilst fearing for my very life comes to mind—I have pictures).

Here’s to all the beautiful brides: do your homework, put in a little effort, and then relax. Kick up your heels, and enjoy one of the most fun days of your life. Cheers!

Bridal Beauty Blunders to Come...

2009-02-26T22:18:00.000-06:00

So I get an inoncuous message over the work email on Friday about some virus. I ignore and go about my business. A second, more urgent email comes across naming the virus ("VIRUT"-- I picture Dolph Lundgren's character in "Rocky V"), claiming only twenty people in the field were affected, and that there's no need to worry. Fast-forward to Sunday night when I can't get anything on my desktop to display. I reboot, reboot, and reboot some more. Nothing but my pretty picture of flamingos I took on our vacation that serves as my backdrop.

[Terse, exasperated sigh.]

I finished my March column entry late last week, but can't post due to the fact that I saved it as a Word document on my work laptop. Please be patient with me, ladies. I'm hoping to have things back to normal in a day or two, and at that point will happily post my self-deprecating story of pre-wedding beauty. (P.S.? I will likely expand on said stories, seeing as my lovely editor has to conform to her space restraints for my column, and you bitches know how I hate to be restrained-- but am a whore for publicity and am happy to stick to 750 words if it means those words will be found in print.) Sit tight, and feel free to share your potentially-embarrassing wedding stories, beauty-related or otherwise. Love, peace, and chicken grease.

Publish this!

2009-02-15T21:53:00.000-06:00

So all went well with the column, and I find myself labeled the new Beauty and Style Consultant for VIP Williamson County magazine. Am flattered beyond belief! They don't currently have online issues, so pick one up at Kroger or your favorite cool-assed store (for you Nashville locals) or, alternatively, make one of your Nashville friends find you one and send it to you.

Next month's issue is going to be focused on weddings, and the editor has asked me to write about wedding beauty. Those of you closest to me know intimate details of my wedding-beauty pratfalls and mishaps (stop laughing, you bitches); those of you who don't are welcome to put in your two cents' worth before I turn in my column next Friday. I promise to be better about blog-specific posts going forward-- writing this column had obviously taken precedence.

Hope everyone has had a great weekend. Stay pretty, you whores.

GAWD!

2009-01-25T21:39:00.000-06:00

The last time I went to purchase some of my Remergent products (see previous post about their DNA Retaliator Serum), I heard a nasty rumor that Estee Lauder had bought the brand. Much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments resulted on the suspicion that the gargantuan brand would no doubt water down (and crap up) the product line. To add insult to injury, I pictured my beloved DNA Retaliator Serum being sold at half the potency for twice the price next to cleansers that smell like old ladies and powder that breaks me out like nobody's business. I called the day spa where I had habitually bought my Remergent stuff this weekend to see if they're still carrying the brand and, dammit all to mother-grabbing hell, they aren't. I of course whipped myself into a skincare panic and scoured the web for hours in search of my favorite anti-aging shit. After two Diet Cokes' worth of searching, I stumbled upon www.remergentsale.com and scored. They even have their potent day moisturizer with SPF 30 for 15% off the normal price. (I bought two bottles of the DNA serum, which should last me a few months, and they gave me a shitload of free gifts-- lip treatment, body moisturizer, makeup case (!!!), etc.) I thought I'd pass this along to any of you who have decided to give the brand a whirl. I'm still bitter, but at least I can snap up what will probably be the last of this great line of skincare before it goes by the wayside. It's things like this that make me practice yoga and drink wine, often in disproportionate amounts.

P.S.-- Two posts in ONE DAY. Lap it up, bitches!

The Column Entry (Maybe)

2009-01-25T12:38:00.000-06:00

So here's what I came up with for the magazine column (thanks to Maggie Turner for the idea). It's kinda weak compared to my blog posts, but I think VIP Williamson County magazine would at least initially frown on a column peppered with cuss words and rantings. (That can come later.) I'm hoping to hear from the editor today or tomorrow; in the meantime, let me know what you think!

S.O.S. (Save Our Skin!)

If you’re like me, you’ve become a little more familiar with the bitter cold than you’d like this winter. More than once in the past few weeks, I’ve almost had my breath taken away upon stepping outside in the morning. We all know the little tips to making it through the winter: pile on the extra blankets and layers, bring the plants (and pets!) inside, start the car a few minutes early. But what about protecting our skin? Winter can be brutal on our precious skin, and dry indoor heat, hot showers, and the like can only make matters worse. What’s a girl (or guy) to do? Read on for a few suggestions on how to protect your skin and be ready for warmer weather (which, in my opinion, can’t come soon enough!).

As I’ve mentioned, prolonged hot showers zap precious moisture from already-parched skin during the winter months. As difficult as this may be, it’s time to get used to warm—not hot—showers, and keep them as short as possible. Ditch your heavily-fragranced shower gel for a gentle oil or cream to preserve precious moisture on the skin, and keep your moisturizer in the shower to slather on while skin is still damp. I really like Eucerin’s Dry Skin Therapy Calming Body Wash Daily Shower Oil (long name, good product) for cleansing—you can find it for around $7.50. The smell isn’t great, but it does a good job of keeping skin from drying out in the shower. Try it in your bath water—I didn’t even need moisturizer afterwards!

Up the moisturizer ante in cold weather by going for a body serum or a thick, luxurious cream (one may be too greasy in the warmer months). A good affordable option is Keri’s Renewal Serum for Dry Skin. It’s hard to believe that a clear gel would offer moisturizing benefits (clear gels usually contain drying ingredients), but this one really does a great job at keeping rough, dry skin at bay. The use of polyhydroxy acids work to gently exfoliate as well, which works to prevent future dryness. It will cost you around ten dollars. A couple more options are the Replenishing Body Moisturizer from Aveda ($23) and Aromafloria’s Body Butter ($30). The Aromafloria moisturizer is almost solid, and comes in a variety of lovely, never-overpowering scents. Try the Kiwi Coconut—divine! One of my favorite indulgent moisturizers is the Sugar-Acai Age Delay Body Cream by Fresh. At sixty-five bucks, it’s hardly a bargain, but it’s thick without being greasy, imparts a subtle scent, and promises to improve firmness and tone in just four weeks—who doesn’t need that? Don’t neglect your hands and feet: Neutrogena and Aveda make great products for applying before bedtime and throughout the day. Dry, rough cuticles and lips will love Rodial’s Glam Balm ($95). Don’t let the price scare you—a tiny bit goes a very long way toward alleviating dry skin (seriously, a tube of this stuff should last you at least six months). When it’s time to turn in, give the space heater a rest and opt for a humidifier to add moisture to the air and—you guessed it—your skin.

So we have it figured out… almost. It’s essential to include exfoliation in your wintertime skincare routine to rid yourself of rough, flaky patches that can accumulate (take a look at your knees and elbows). I typically look for scrubs that have finer-grained particles and aren’t so oily that your shower becomes an OSHA fall hazard. My all-time fave is the Hot Salt Scrub by Bliss. Thirty-six dollars will score you a big ol’ tub of this awesome pre-shower, eucalyptus-scented, powerhouse scrub. It may feel weird scrubbing dry skin if you’re used to an in-shower product, but the sea-salt formula dissolves on contact with water, so it’s a must. Additionally, the scrub heats up when you rub it onto your skin, which may prevent you from the afore-mentioned, now-forbidden hot shower (you’ll be plenty warm after your scrubdown). Still not convinced? The sea salts are suspended in a viscous gel, meaning no greasy residue, the scent opens up the sinuses, and it’s a fantastic precursor to your self-tanning regime during warmer weather. Genius!

Now that you’re soft, smooth, and downright touchable, grab your sweetie for a Valentine’s Day snuggle. (It’s a great alternative to that evil space heater!) Make these small changes now, and you’ll sail through winter nastiness into the bare-legs/ exposed-arms season. Have a great February!

Buying Guide

Eucerin, Keri, and Neutrogena: Local drugstores
Aveda: Origina, Unruli, and Jon Alan Salons in Franklin, Aveda store in the Mall at Green Hills
Aromafloria: Blue River Canyon Day Spa, Brentwood
Fresh and Bliss: The Cosmetic Market, Cool Springs
Rodial: Woo Cosmetics, Green Hills

Help Wanted!

2009-01-18T13:54:00.000-06:00

My cute friend Shelly dropped a proverbial bomb in my lap over the weekend and I need your help. See, she is the editor of an also-cute social magazine that chronicles the goings and doings of folks who hunker down in the suburb of Nashville that I call home. She's currently without a beauty/ lifestyle columnist, and asked if I'd churn something out for the mag. Fun? Yes. Flattering? Abso-freaking-lutely. Do I have any ideas? Well, of course not. Yes, I get it-- you could cut the irony here with a knife (or I guess you could bake it in my shiny new flat-top stove, if you prefer). I am perfectly happy writing for hours on end about mascara and other generally-trivial shit, and then putting it out there for anyone who's nice enough to stop by my blog. But ask me to pen a few paragraphs for all of Williamson County to see, and I'm paralyzed.

What the hell do I write about?

This obviously brings me to the title of this post. No beauty advice today (get your head out of the (shiny new) oven, I'll post something this week)-- I need suggestions, ponderings, insistent badgering, whatever. Shelly mentioned something off-hand about needing a column IN A WEEK, but I'm going to follow up with her on that, rest assured. So while I wring my hands (after slapping on hand cream to increase the wringing speed), please feel free to tell me what to do. Don't get too comfortable, I'll be back to being the Boss of You once I figure this out. Thanks in advance, hussies!

"The One with Ross's Teeth"

2008-12-30T20:58:00.001-06:00

So the kitchen is (relatively) clean, the Christmas gifts have (mostly) been put away, I made it to yoga, and the hubs is watching what is apparently a modern-day reenactment of some ancient mating ritual on t.v.* I've got a lovely glass of Chard on board, and a beauty question to field. Let's blog, shall we?

*- Turns out the "mating ritual" is actually NCAA tournament wrestling. I am sorry, but it looks like what it looks like. I of course found my assertion of this and the posing of the question "Wonder, when one wrestler backs into the other like that, if one guy whispers, 'I miss your tender sweet embrace,' just to piss the other one off?" completely hilarious (and felt the need to repeat myself). Hubs, having wrestled** in college, did not, and subsequently banished me to the upstairs portion of the house.

**- For my fellow Southerners, "wrestle" is completely different than "rassle." One is a sport, the other one a 'roid-rage soap opera in tiny, stretchy shorts. You should know which is which.

So my afore-mentioned friend Courtney is quite the blogger extraordinaire, and isn't afraid to raise the bar for her fellow bloggers. She asked me via email a couple of weeks ago if I had any experience with teeth whiteners (which, of course, I have). I of course was being crazy-lazy (meaning crazy at work, therefore super lazy when not at work) and figured I'd address it after the holidays. She then gently reminded me of my laziness in a comment to my previous post, so I will now get off my proverbial ass and talk teeth.

Teeth whiteners are as ubiqitous as HeidiandSpencer these days (Gah, does anyone else hate them as much as I do? As in burning, un-Christian hate?), and they run the gamut from drugstore strips to dentist's-office lasers. My experience trends more toward the lower end of the spectrum, but I do have a definite favorite. The strips (Crest, et al) are a good intro into the world of whitening, but beware of the fast-acting ones if you have even remotely sensitive teeth-- prepare yourself for a dull, throbbing ache that lasts throughout the duration of strip use. I can't even imagine using those trays they fit for you in the dentist's office and wear overnight (the concentration of their stuff is WAY higher than anything you'd find at Walgreen's)-- you'd probably have to peel me off the ceiling come morning. You can of course cut back your strip application to once a day (if it calls for a twice-daily application) or even every other day, but it will take proportionately longer to see results. Who has time for that? You could always incorporate a whitening toothpaste into your routine, but noticeable results will likely come from something with a little more heft.

I once tried that weird infomercial contraption that comes with a fixed tray and a UV light that you park into your grill for 30 minutes a day, but didn't really see remarkable results. It was kinda fun, however, to look at my illuminated, ultraviolet teeth and then growl like a rabid dog until Hubs would finally make me rinse (thanks to the foam emanating from the peroxide gel included in the kit). Very entertaining, but not very effective.

The best system I've found over-the-counter so far that doesn't cause ANY sensitivity is from GoSmile. The line was formulated by an NYC dentist named Dr. Jonathan Levine. So serious is Dr. Levine about giving you movie-star teeth that he's even written a book about pretty smiles. His system hinges on these little ampoules (called B1 ampoules) that you use to apply a powerful whitener. There are also touch-up ampoules, toothpastes for the AM and the PM, a breath freshener, a rinse, and a lip balm.

So you take one of these little dealies, invert it (meaning take off the cardboard sleeve and put it over the other end of the ampoule), and then gently squeeze in the middle until you hear a pop. Hold it upside down until you see the clear whitening serum flow into the white brushy tip. Now gently move over each tooth in small circles until you've used up all the serum.-- they've summed it up nicely: Flip, Pop, Whiten. (This is why I'm not in marketing.) Don't eat or drink anything for a while (you won't want to, the serum is mildly minty). Do this twice a day with the B1 ampoules and whenever you feel like it with the touch-ups. You can get the B1's by themselves, ditto for everything else in the line, or you can "Go All-Out" with a kit that has all that shit in one box (well, all the ampoules and the toothpastes, anyway). I have used the Go All-Out kit twice now-- I was skeptical at first, but became a believer when people started to compliment my teeth and ask what whitening product I use. I will probably start a third rotation of it in the new year. My teeth were never made the least bit sensitive, which would have convinced me to try it in and of itself. I still make use of the toothpaste and the >RINSE ("It's greater than mouthwash!" Get it?) before bed and inbetween brushings.

So go get some. You can get it here, here, or even here. Prices range from a ten-spot for a few of the touch-up ampoules to $120 for the Go All-Out kit. Let me know what you think-- no go polish those stones! Happy New Year, bitches!

P.S.-- I SO wanted to name this post "My Pearrrrrrllll Whiiiiiite Teeeeeeeth" after the song on "Sesame Street" in which this big-assed shark with these huge, gorgeous teeth (well, they're shark teeth, but still) is singing a' la Louis Armstrong to all these fishies, who are frantically scurrying away from said huge teeth, but I was sure no one would get it, and then everyone would think that when I mentioned "a lovely glass of Chard" you'd think I really meant "a bottle of Chard, which I swilled in five minutes, tops." (Sigh.) And don't even get me going on the Raffi song "You Brush Your Teeth (Ch-ch-ch-ch, ch-ch-ch-ch)"...

On Top of Old Smoooooky...

2008-11-30T20:51:00.000-06:00

I am so friggin' fancy. My friend Courtney showed me how to post pictures to my posts individually. Go us! (BTW, please check out her blog immediately-- she and her hubs adopted the most precious little girl from Guatemala, the story is beyond uplifting.) Here's a pic of the hottest new holiday eye palette from Laura Mercier in Tuxedo. Buy it here. Read on for how exactly to use this thing to your best advantage.

So it's the holidays, and you have parties to cruise, and you want to look extra-super-sexy. The easiest answer? The ever-elusive Smoky Eye. Too complicated, you say? Not sure how to do it? Never you fear, hotness. I was fortunate enough to stumble into Bluemercury in Chicago several weeks ago during a girls' trip (I swear you could HEAR my girlfriends' heavy sigh upon my spotting the Bluemercury storefront... seriously, they would have had an easier time splitting the atom than keeping me out of that place), and they had the loveliest Laura Mercier artiste giving a lesson on the holiday smoky eye. How could I resist? Marla (whose last name I didn't get, so she will heretofore be known as "Marla Mercier"), with her gorgeous dark hair and ridiculous skin, took to my face like it was a precious flower, smoking up my eyes like nobody's business and calling me "darling" in a way that made me feel, well, darling. It therefore is no mystery that I snapped up everything that she and the fabulous Tim (a regular Bluemercury consultant) threw at me. I made sure to get step-by-step instructions from Marla Mercier, and here's what I've got:

1. Start with an eyelid that is primed, gilded with a pale neutral shimmer shadow from lashline to brow, and lined with a dark shimmer liner. (I happened to be working this eye look when I walked in, and Marla Mercier made it work seamlessly. This is why she makes her living applying makeup.)

2. Take a stiff, flat brush and stipple (yes, stipple) a dark shimmery shade that matches the liner-- in this case, it was charcoal gray-- gently up from the eyeliner and slightly onto the eyelid. Don't go crazy. Now gently trace under your lower lid (as close to the lashline as possible) with the same brush and smudge.

3. Take a tapered, soft brush and lightly trace the eyelid crease with the same dark shimmery shade. Go in as far as the inner edge of your pupil to avoid looking like a cave-dweller. Start with a tiny bit of shadow on your brush, you can always add more.

4. If you like, deepen the crease with the matte version of the dark shimmery shade on the tapered brush; that said, make sure you blend the edges to keep it from looking harsh. It should look smudgy-smoky-sexy, not tacky-trampy-trailer.

5. If you want to look ridiculously hot, take a very small pointed brush and apply the tiniest dot of a pale shimmery shadow (white is best) around the inner corners of your eyes. Just outline the skin around your tear ducts, but make sure it's not glaringly obvious.

Now for the rest of the look: groom your brows, curl your lashes, prime them with Cils Boost XL and go with a black mascara on top and bottom lashes. Keep your blush light, and go with a pale shimmery lip. Your best bet is to look for a gloss that is the same shade as your lips with a little shim added. This will keep them from overpowering your pretty eyes. Please, whatever you do, don't pair a strong lip with a smoky eye-- unless you're either a.) a drag queen, or b.) trying to bring back the Robert-Palmer-video days (please, I'm begging you, don't). Add chandelier or (as I liked to call them when I was little) "hangy-downy" earrings, a little shimmer across your collarbone and shoulders, and show us what you're working with! I promise that a well-appointed smoky eye will do wonders for your self-esteem...

You can smoke up your eyes with a scheme of brown, gray, plum, whatever you like. Just make sure you have a matte and a shimmer of the dark shade and a pale shimmery neutral that complements the dark ones. The afore-mentioned Laura Mercier palette makes it easy with grays and whites. It has a matte charcoal, a shimmery one, and then a matte white and a shimmery white. I don't really make use of the matte white, but it's good to have on hand for highlighting the browbone when you're working an everyday eye look. Oh, and the holiday collection from Laura includes the most gorgeous nail polish (the shade is Caviar Dreams-- hello, luxury) that reflects and shimmers like a peacock feather-- go buy it this instant and paint it onto your tips and toes. You'll thank me later.

In case we don't chat between now and the end of this week, I hope each of you beautiful ladies has a wonderful and fabulous holiday! Go pretty yourself up and have a ball!

A Mascara Classic Triple-Header

2008-11-16T15:08:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, it's been a month since I've been able to post anything on this here-ruh blog. I wish I had a better excuse than "shit be crazy up in this piece," but I don't. Because of my guilt, I am prepared to offer up not one, not two, but THREE head-to-head matches in my ongoing Mascara Classic. Get comfortable, this one may get ugly.

First, a brief recap: for you newcomers, I've been searching my entire makeup-wearing life for the ultimate mascara. So far, the leader of the pack has been Cover Girl's Lash Blast in non-waterproof black. Additionally, mascara does not touch my lashes lest there's a nice coat of Lancome's Cils Boost XL applied to them first. There's been just one mascara that doesn't work better when applied over Cils Boost (that would be Givenchy's Phenomen'Eyes), and that just flat-out pisses me off. (Read my previous post about that for the whole story, I've got stuff to do and don't want to rehash the whole thing.) So I've spent the past couple of weeks trying out various new mascaras and am ready to break down the results. Let's do this!

Our first challenger is Maybelline's The COLOSSAL Volum' Express. Is it just me, or is that fact that they feel the need to CAPITALIZE a word in the product name completely obnoxious and therefore annoying? Maybe I'm letting my results color my opinion. Anyway, it comes in a taxicab-yellow tube with purple writing (LSU fans, take note), and the brush is nothing exciting-- it's simply a bigger version of a standard-issue bristle brush. I've now tried this mascara at least three times, and I have three words for it:

Kiss. My. Ass.

Seriously, I have no idea what is so COLOSSAL about this mascara. It made a pitiful attempt at beefing up my wispy lashes, but managed to only fatten up the roots, leaving the tips flimsy yet with little individual clumpy balls on each end. Just the look I was going for! It flakes, it clumps, it sucks. Do not waste your money on this mess. Well, I guess if your lashes are already really thick and long and perfect, and you just want to make them darker, be my guest. The display at the drugstore (and the TV commercial) lead you to believe that this stuff will make your life complete, but who are they kidding? Three weeks later, I'm still pissed that I wasted eight bucks on this garbage. The only thing COLOSSAL about this mascara is the amount of incredulity you'll feel after trying it. Maybelline, you embarrass me. You embarrass yourself.

Winner, Lash Blast, no contest. As my father would say, step down, next case.

Another drugstore contender is up next, this one L'Oreal's DoubleExtend. This double-ended system has a primer-like basecoat on one end and the "Ultra Lengthening Tube Topcoat" on the other. "Tube," you say? Yes, tubes. The idea of a mascara formula that encases each lash in its own individual tube is nothing new-- Blinc mascara has been doing it for years (but at prices well above the drugstore world). Mascaras that tube lashes claim to stay put, yet gently come off with water and a little pressing on the lashes. I'd tried Blinc a couple of years ago, and wasn't impressed in the least (again, my lashes are long and skinny-- I need volume, people!). I decided, in the name of this blog, to give L'Oreal's version a spin and see if anything had changed.

It hasn't.

Including a primer with the mascara is nice, but it isn't very thick and therefore really doesn't plump up your lashes before you put on your mascara. Additionally, the bristles on the primer brush are too tightly packed to really deposit enough product onto your lashes. One of the beautiful things about Cils Boost is the brush: it's a spiral design, but the spiral is loose enough to hold a good bit of product. Therefore, you actually get a decent amount of primer onto your lashes, which builds them up nicely, which in turn creates a bigger surface area to which your mascara clings. (See? It's all a very symbiotic process, one easily thrown off by buttholes who don't know how to design a mascara brush.) Anyway, the brush on the primer end of this product seems to set you up for disappointment. Then we move along to the mascara: as it claims, it does lengthen your lashes, but it does nothing in the separation or the volumizing departments. It did come off easier than other mascaras, but the "tubes" don't really come off like tubes-- they're more like little spider legs. Ew. And I did have to press-and-push a little harder than I think is necessary on delicate eye skin to get all of it off. Again, if you have lashes that are short but really thick, this would probably be a good option, particularly if it saves you close to twenty bucks over the equivalent product from Blinc. I, however, am not of this ilk.

Winner, Lash Blast. L'Oreal, I expected more from you. You know better.

Finally, we have one of those technologically newfangled newcomers: Lancome's Oscillation Powermascara. This mascara's wand is truly revolutionary in that it has a tiny battery in the handle that vibrates the brush (I'm sure there's an inappropriate joke in here somewhere about tiny things that vibrate, but my mother reads this), which supposedly separates each lash, resulting in "extended, reshaped, & multiplied lashes," according to the product packaging. I fought the temptation to try this stuff for a few weeks after its release, only because I've been sorely disappointed by department-store mascaras touting technological breakthroughs in the past (which brings us back to Phenomen'Eyes-- clearly, I'm still bitter). However, I stopped by the Lancome counter one night this week to pick up some Cils Boost (and the lady at the counter had the nerve to tell me they were SOLD OUT, and would I settle for a sample of it with a purchase?, and it was easier to buy something to get my hands on that damn Cils Boost sample than it would have been to get myself out of jail after assaulting her for daring to be anything other than stocked completely up on my beloved Boost), and decided to give it a spin. I offered the package a very sinister warning upon opening it for the first time: "Listen you, I dropped thirty-four bucks on your vibrating ass. This had better be good."

It actually is pretty good, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The packaging comes with an insert that goes on and on about the stuff, the handle, the battery, yada yada yada. The brush itself is of the plastic fin-looking variety, with four double-rows of spoke-like bristles. It's pretty narrow as well, a far cry from the massive Lash Blast brush I'm used to. The button that operates the battery is in the handle. It really does vibrate, and it, well... it tickles. I never knew I had tickly eyelashes, but there you have it. You're supposed to slowly drag the brush up the lashes while pressing on the button, and it only calls for 2-3 strokes for a "natural look." (Yeah, like anything about me is natural.) It actually works pretty well, but it does take a few tries to get the hang of the vibrating brush. That said, it's great fun to convince one's spouse that something in the house is "buzzing" while operating the handle. (In my case, said spouse will retaliate by singing a made-up song called "Chicken on a Mountain," causing me to dissolve into giggles while putting on said face, causing us to be late for church. His fault, I say!) Be careful of getting too heavy-handed with it, lest you venture into Three-Prong-Land and end up with smudges on your upper lids. I have only layered it over Cils Boost, but will give it a shot on its own (as painful as that may be for me) and will let you know the deets.

This one is hard. The new technology behind Oscillation is pretty cool, and definitely a first, but it doesn't quite volumize like Lash Blast. That said, I did receive a compliment from a virtual stranger on Friday night about my eyelashes-- I'd gotten my Oscillation on that morning. And run around in the rain all day. And then taken a two-hour nap that afternoon and not bothered to start fresh with my makeup before going to dinner that night (don't start with me, I'd had the week from hell). If my lashes can still look good enough to garner compliments after all that, this Oscillation shit may be a force with which to be reckoned.

Winner, volumizing and affordability: Lash Blast.

Winner, lengthening: Oscillation.

Winner, newfangled approach: Oscillation.

I'm going to have to call this one a tie. I'll probably alternate between the two from day to day, depending on how much time I have to devote to mascara (which usually isn't much). I would say give Oscillation a look-see, but only if you're truly dissatisfied with your current mascara choice-- as I said earlier, it's hardly a bargain. Maybe one day I'll figure out a way to get reimbursed for the cash I spend on trying out new products for the sake of this little blog. If only I had an accounting background, I could surely fashion a marginally-questionable tax writeoff...

Hope this has been helpful, ladies. Until next time!

The Guru Speaks

2008-10-16T21:17:00.000-05:00

All right bitches, I'm back in the beauty saddle. I fielded a question on Facebook from Alexandra McConnell, a Kentucky cutie making her way in Jersey (brave girl that she is):

"In my family, for Christmas, we draw names and get a gift for that person, spending only $100 (a little above it if needed). Each person makes a list of gifts in the price range or says 'buyer's choice.' So this year on my list I am asking for beauty items that will help me age inappropriately. Meaning, I want to look 25 but really be 50. Maybe not that drastic, but you get my drift. Oh wait, I do want to look 25 when I am 50...and in order to do this I need to start now. So, Beauty Guru, what would you suggest I ask for for Christmas?"

May I take a moment? "Beauty Guru," she says. I'm finding it very difficult not to bask in that title. I envision a Vishnu-like figure who has, instead of hair growing out of her head, various beauty implements orbiting her head on deely-bobber-like antennae. And in each of her multiple manicured hands is a hair styling tool. And her peaceful smile emanates from the firm belief that she has ALL the beauty knowledge. I rule! Om...

Okay, back to reality. So I've pondered and queried and stewed and hemmed and hawed on this one, because the options are almost endless. Let's acknowledge the obvious first: your Secret Santa's money needs to be spent on a potent anti-aging product, ideally a serum (which I've said before packs more punch than a lotion or cream). It should address various signs of premature aging, the most prominent of which is sun damage. It should, of course, not irritate sensitive skin, nor should it freak out oily skin, nor make dry skin look like a science experiment. It should be light enough to layer under makeup in the morning, yet sturdy enough to wear alone or under your night cream when it's time for beddy-bye. It shouldn't be uneccesarily priced, but it should bring enough to the table to justify the $100-esque price tag.

Don't I sound like Beauty Junkie Goldilocks?

So we've established the criteria. My recommendation is this: Remergent's DNA Repair Formula Age Retaliator Serum (yes, it's a mouthful-- deal with it). As I mentioned in a previous post, I've become familiar with the Remergent line in the past couple of months, and I'm pretty impressed. This is, so far, my favorite product of the three or four that I've tried. Remergent's primary goal is to treat and reverse sun damage at the cellular level. This Retaliator Serum works to do that and also take things up a notch by "stimulating the skin to resist future photo-damage through natural recuperation" (this from the Remergent website). It contains a slew of kick-ass damage-fighters, among them Photosomes, Ultrasomes, Roxomes, Evodiox, and Thiotaine (is it just me, or do those sound like Brangelina's kids' names?!). All these freaky-techie ingredients work together to repair existing sun damage, all the while toiling away at the DNA level to heal and reverse collagen erosion. FYI, their Microcirculation Eye Therapy actually builds collagen, which over time fills in fine lines. Fancy! The product literature will sometimes come with photosensitive before-and-after pictures that show the reduction in sun damage when participants used the product line for three months, and they really are amazing.

I've been using the Retaliator Serum for about two months now, and am not quite to the end of the bottle. I initially only used it at night under my Yonka moisture masque, but have since gone a little crazy with it, using it in the morning, under my eyes, you name it. It has yet to even think about irritating my skin, and fits the bill for the desired consistency (i.e., it works well under makeup, by itself, and under a moisturizer). It's not exactly thin and clear like some serums; instead, it's a translucent white and is a like a cross between a thin serum and a lotion. At any rate, I think it has worked well so far.

Now, I feel I should issue a caveat: if you're going to commit to a new anti-aging product, you need to be ready for at least a three-month relationship before passing judgement. These things take time, and hopping around from one product to the next every month won't get you the result that any of the products are trying to deliver. In other words, calm your ass down and give this stuff time to do its thing. If you really want to kick premature aging's saggy nuts, take a look at some of the other products in the line. I have to warn you, it's not cheap, but it's all pretty concentrated and doesn't require even a "pre-metered dose" (also known as a pump's worth) of product to cover the face.

All right, so we've got it figured out. Here's one teeny-tiny catch: it's $125 per bottle. I tried to come up with a better product for under a hundo, I really tried. Maybe you could put some cash into an envelope for your Secret Santa, or you could identify the closest Remergent retailer (find one at http://www.skinbreakthroughs.com/find.php) and ask for a $100 gift certificate. Whatever it takes, my dear, whatever it takes. Premature aging waits for no woman and takes no prisoners.

Hope this is helpful-- stay tuned for a post regarding the ongoing mascara tournament. I tried a new one this week that can totally kiss my ass. Talk soon!

I feel pretty, oh so pretty... (FAIL)

2008-10-01T18:39:00.000-05:00

Okay ladies, so I've spent the past day-and-a-half on the couch battling some upper-respiratory nastiness. I'm not so sick as to be immobile, but I am puny enough to abstain from showering, getting dressed, or otherwise being productive. This is a sad thing-- not for obvious reasons (please, I'm hardly feeling sorry for myself), but for reasons pertaining to this blog.

Allow me...

Have I been bored off my ever-widening ass today? Yes.

In trying to fill the void, did I check my personal and work email accounts a thousand times each, text message my sister two thousand times, make my first attempt at a scrapbook, fix vegan chocolate-chip cookies (totally on a whim, and DAMMIT, they're awesome), and chop up some salsa with tomatoes from my father-in-law's garden? Why, yes, yes I did.

Did the thought occur to me to write in my blog during this industrious period? No it certainly did not.

And why is that? Because there is nothing-- not a single, solitary, mother-eff-ing thing-- pretty about being sick. Do you doubt me? Let me ask you-- can you please tell me how to feel like anything other than a sniffling, hacking, husband-repelling hag rocking your Cosmopolitan Cat jammies (which are very cute, but still...) and the same menthol Breathe-Right strip across your nose from the night before?

If you have an answer that involves sunny optimism, please tell me so that I can cut you out of my social circle.

Seriously, I have had rare unmitigated access to my entire bathroom cabinet and makeup arsenal for the past 36 or so hours, and yet my face remains bare and frightening, my limbs even paler and flaky. I could have spent all day scrubbing, glossing, and primping to make myself feel better, but it all would have been futile. Only when I find myself under the weather do I truly abandon all beauty routines with a congested "oh what's the friggin point?!" I braved the grocery last night in search of chicken soup-makings bare-faced with my hair on top of my head, and I couldn't have given less of a shit. Because I felt like shit, and dammit, that was not the time for anyone to screw with me.

I don't have any intentions of singing the praises of a particular product that will lift you out of a sickly funk, so don't ask (wow, apparently I'm bitchy when I'm sick!). Jing-Jang Creme is nice for keeping chapped lips and nostrils hydrated and nourished, but that's about it. I'm still in my jammies, I haven't showered, and I think I can hear my ass fusing to my couch cushions. Here's hoping that things pretty up around here soon.

Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there...

2008-09-15T21:11:00.000-05:00

So the afore-mentioned fancy-ass party went down this weekend, and everyone involved looked lovely. I did, in a moment of weakness, decide to chance it with Phenomen'Eyes, and my lashes looked amazing! The tides may be turning after all. That said, that is not the point of this particular post. No, sweeties, I am terribly dismayed to tell you all that, in all our finery, the unfortunate attendees of this party were forced to heed Nature's Call in...

PORTA-POTTIES.

No shit. (And pun totally intended.) My nether regions and I have never been so insulted as to relieve ourselves in what basically amounts to a hole in a giant Tupperware container whilst being so very gussied up. There's a distinct melancholy in gathering up the skirt of your floor-length gown to hobble into a stinking, infernal, phone-booth-sized column of scat. I'm obviously not over it, and I wouldn't expect any of you to be, either. There is a point here, though I could obviously write a dissertation on the grievances suffered by well-dressed ladies forced to tee-tee in a setup only suitable for outdoor concerts and pre-game tailgate parties. Here you go: it's the perfect opportunity to sing the praises of Herban Essentials' Towelettes. I've been onto these for a while, and what better time to test their mettle than the utterly disgusting world of white-tie-meets-green-potty? These things are truly awesome (skip over to www.herbanessentials.com immediately), being naturally antibacterial and antiseptic thanks to the ingenious use of natural essential oils. They come individually wrapped in zip-top packs in many options: Lavender, Peppermint, Lemon, and a Combo Pack. (They even offer ones for cleaning pets' paws-- how cute is that?) Don't let the "Yoga Towelettes" fool you-- they're the Lavender ones with different packaging. A pack of twenty wipes will run you fifteen bucks, and it is SO worth it. I keep them in my purse and car, and load up before flying somewhere. I don't even bother washing my hands in that nasty-ass plane bathroom (seriously, they make a two-year-old with a stomach bug look like an operating room) -- I just sprint back to my seat and unwrap a Towelette and buff my hands (and every other surface) to a shiny finish.

So I had heard the dreadful Porta-Shitty rumor prior to the party this weekend, and carefully wedged two Towelettes into my very-pretty black satin clutch, and they totally saved the day. I visited the horrible potties early in the night, and with no attendant present, could not figure out how to work the Porta-Sink outside of the potties (this just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?). I had a handful of soap and couldn't see a faucet, nor could I locate any type of foot pedal below-- an additional insult, being well-shod in fancy evening shoes and all. Undaunted (but obviously completely pissed), I wiped away the soap with the cheap brown paper towels and trotted my fancy ass back to my handbag, where I snapped open a Lavender Towelette and scrubbed myself back to pretty. Wait-- I'm not saying this to mean that I'm a dirty person. I just think that all Portas are about as fresh as Lindsay Lohan on a hot summer day. Anyway, they worked like a charm on both visits to the "restroom" (what a joke), and I'm forever indebted. Snag some and test their mettle-- I think you'll be impressed. Sleep tight, ladies. We'll talk soon.

Round Two of the Mascara Classic

2008-09-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

As promised, I'm returning to my lifelong-quest for the perfect mascara. This round brings a newcomer into the fold. I finally picked up a tube of the much-ballyhooed Givenchy Phenomen'Eyes at my local Sephora and practically flew home to wash my face and give it a whirl.

First things first: the brush design is truly unique. It looks like a teeny-tiny disco ball with a major attitude. It's spherical instead of longitudinal, and is covered with flexible spiky bristles. It does take a little tugging to get the brush out of the tube, but that's not necessarily a deal-breaker. The packaging is pretty and luxurious, which is de riguer for Givenchy.

Next things next: for all you cost-cutters out there, take note-- this shit is twenty-seven bucks. Before tax. After plunking down that kind of kwan, I was fully prepared for an out-of-body experience upon application of Phenomen'Eyes. On the way home I silently hatched my plan of a universal takeover, visions of slaying my foes and seducing my allies with The Lashes From Hell (or Heaven?) dancing in my head. I'd be absolutely unstoppable, what with all the flitting and batting that would no doubt result. Why, I'd need to hire a secretary to field all the requests to star in mascara commercials! Yes, with my new lashes, I was going to be one busy bitch.

So I get home, take the day's eye makeup off, and decide to go all-out for the first go-round: I curl with my fabulous Shu Uemura eyelash curler, lovingly apply my Cils Boost XL (don't give me that look, I've already stated multiple times that it and I are a package deal), and painstakingly sweep the ball-with-the-'tude across my fringe. The result...?

Let's just say I'm conflicted.

(Surprise.)

Let me just start my review by saying that this stuff is thick. Apparently the Cils Boost XL is a bit redundant when making use of Phenomen'Eyes, which left me flabbergasted. Additionally, there is a very narrow window of opportunity when using this mascara when you go from your lashes looking pretty good to venturing into Spider-Hump territory (see previous post for the back story). I'm still trying to navigate that window. At first, I thought I was just too overzealous with it, and lightened up the second time around. However, I just couldn't give up my Cils Boost, and got the same result. The next day I swept it over bare, uncurled lashes before running out to the grocery (I realize that putting mascara on puffy hangover-eyes is like putting a hubcap on a tractor, but whatever), and it looked great.

[Insert exasperated huffing sound here.]

And another thing-- it is so thick that you find yourself applying it with an otherwise-unnecessary amount of care, lest you get even one little fleck into your upper eyelid crease. (This effort is not helped by the fact that the ball-wand really wants to go through your lashes and onto your lids.) Normally, it's not a big deal if you find yourself a little dotty about the lids-- a gentle swipe with the ring finger and you're back in business. Not so with Phenomen'Eyes, also know as Smudgy McBlackstreaks once it comes in contact with your lids. You're better off just starting completely over with your eye makeup, and who has time for that?

This stuff just seems a little temperamental for me. Normally I don't approve of verbage like this, but this mascara is... well, it's just a big ol' tease. Think about the way guys describe a "tease" and you get the idea: you spend way too much money on it (or her, as the case may be), you put plenty of time and effort into it to get the desired glorious result (ahem), and maybe you get "a little" every once in a while, but you just don't get out of it what you put into it (wow, no pun intended!). We have a fancy-ass party to go to this weekend, and as I planned out my makeup routine in my head (no, I'm not neurotic at all), I found myself getting antsy about my mascara choice. I just don't think I can take the chance of using Phenomen'Eyes and getting a bad result when the stakes are high. And a white-tie charity benefit sets some stratospherically high stakes in my world, trust me. As it is, the Twit Watch will be issued Saturday morning, and won't expire until after the party (sometime very early Sunday morning), and God help us all if we go from Twit Watch to Twit Warning. Seriously, no man, woman, child, or pet is safe if that's the case. And nothing-- nothing-- can flip that switch like a set of crappy-looking eyelashes. So I will stick with Lash Blast layered over Cils Boost and bat the night away. The envelope, please...

Winner, cool brush/newest technology: Phenomen'Eyes

Winner, predictability and overall result: Lash Blast, thank you very much.

Current overall standings: Lash Blast 1-1-0, Imju Fiberwig 0-1-0, Givenchy Phnomen'Eyes 0-0-1 (I should start a Mascara Fantasy League!)

I'll keep you posted if and when I'm able to get a reliable result with Phenomen'Eyes, a.k.a. when I can finally get this bitch to come across. She is such a tease. Hope you're enjoying your weekend lovelies!

Like Buttah

2008-08-28T20:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, I feel bad taking so much time between posts, but it really has been more hectic than I'd like lately (who am I kidding? It's always more hectic than I'd like!). The hubs and I went to Keystone, Colorado this weekend for a conference of his (I, of course, was merely decoration), and can I just say? The air up there is as thin as I plan to one day be, provided I eventually get comfortable with taking up meth. Seriously, it's a take-no-prisoners 9,200 feet up from sea level, and take a guess as to what that does to your skin.

It ain't fittin', it just ain't fittin'. (Go watch "Gone With The Wind" immediately if you don't get that.)

So you can guess that I, being totally unproductive professionally but wildly OCD when it comes to product searches personally, managed to figure this out before we left and went on a very focused mission to find a ridiculously thick body lotion that would hopefully prevent my molting like a snake. (Ew.) I hit the Blue River Canyon Day Spa parking lot on two wheels the Friday before we left, and managed to discover Aromafloria's Body Butter with Shea and Aloe (get you some at www.aromafloria.com). I normally shy away from any body product with a great amount of fragrance as I am now completely shellshocked from Bath & Body Works' quest for world domination. Honestly, ladies, even at our worst, we don't smell THAT BAD. Why in the hell do we apparently need shower gel, body lotion, body cream, body spray (loaded with moisture-zapping alcohol, by the way), shimmer lotion, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hand cream, room spray, and a candle in the same obnoxious scent? (Sun-Ripened Raspberry, I'm looking at you. How long have you been around now-- ten, fifteen years? Seriously.) Why is BBW so hell-bent on convincing us that our natural aroma is so stank that it takes nine layers of cheap shit to cover it up? Or that we really need to layer on that much product to smell nice? (Have you ever encountered one of those Layer Gals? Not too subtle, are they?) I mean, I like a pretty-smelling shower gel (or cream or whatever) just like anyone else, but why spend your hard-earned jack on mass-produced, overpowering crap and feel pressured to buy more crap in the store just so you can smell like everyone else? Enough already!!

Oh, excuse me.

So anyway, I tried the Aromafloria body butter on my hand in the spa and it felt good, maybe a little greasy for Nashville in August, but I went with it. They have several fragrances, each of which manages to actually be subtle and pretty (take note, BBW-- it's a novel concept), but the Kiwi Coconut was my favorite. Its consistency is thick enough to almost be solid, and it comes with this convenient little spatula to scrape some off the top without having to jab your finger into it. It really did keep my skin hydrated and soft for the entire five days that we were up in the clouds (my face didn't fare so well, despite my best moisturizing efforts). I did have to put it on twice a day, but still-- I'm pleased. At $30, it's not exactly bargain-basement, but it's worth it for those of you who find your skin easily parched, and winter with all its cruel conditions will be here before we know it. Oh, and it contains no mineral oil and is completely vegan, for those of you who look for that sort of thing. So take note, snow bunnies. Pick up some of this stuff in prep for colder weather, and be sure to flip the bird to BBW as you drive past. I'm off to scrub the ashy bits from my face-- pretty!

Prime-time

2008-08-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a temporary hiatus from the Mascara Classic to address a request from the fabulous lady-about-town Amy Wickliffe:

"Foundation Primer...use it? Does it really do something to make your foundation go on like a dream? I'm torn between purchasing either Smashbox's version of Philosphy's version but I've never even tried it before. Let me know if you have. Hugs- Amy"

Let's check off on primers first: a primer is designed to do the comparable job to your face that a primer coat of paint does to a car or a wall. It "sets the stage" for the coming attraction by minimizing imperfections-- pores, fine lines, and the like-- and basically smoothing things over in preparation for your foundation. Many of them have ingredients similar to silicone (along with polymers and parabens) that offer smoothing, perfecting properties. Additionally, several claim to soothe, thereby minimizing the irriation from your foundation (which, I have to say, means you need to switch foundations pronto, but I guess that's another conversation). They can have a subtle powdery finish, thereby keeping greasiness at bay if you have oily skin.

I don't have extensive experience with primers, only because I was worried that they would exacerbate my overly dry skin. Additionally, I typically use a mineral foundation in the fall and winter, and pairing the two can be a little tricky (you're putting a powder on top of a gel, cakey bits wait to roll up under your fingers at every turn)-- most of the ones out there are originally designed for pairing with a liquid foundation. That said, I have experimented with a couple on special occasions that left me relatively impressed. I happened upon a deluxe sample of Tarte's Clean Slate Primer after purchasing a Tarte gift set, and I'm pleased. It does a nice job of masking little lines, pores, and other misgivings (not that I-- or you-- have any). It's completely clear, and the finish is just slightly matte. I've tried it under both my Kiehl's tinted moisturizer and my mineral foundation (one of the few left standing from the Arbonne experiment), and it works very well. I don't really take the time to use it during the week, but it does a good job of creating a photo-finish for a big night.

I've also used Laura Geller's Spackle (thanks, Sephora sample bag!) and found it decent. It's a different consistency from Clean Slate: thicker, more opaque, and whitish in color. The finish was more dewy than that of the Clean Slate, which for me is not a bad thing (I am completely paranoid of looking like an extra from Robert Palmer's "Simply Irresistible" video-- if you don't know what that is, I can't really be your friend). If your skin is more oily than dry, Clean Slate may be the better choice of the two. I wasn't as impressed with the overall effect of Spackle as I was with Clean Slate. Take that with a grain of salt, however, due to my limited points of reference. Now, Laura Mercier has yet to put out a product that I've thought was sub-par, but I've never tried the Foundation Primer. Same goes for Smashbox, though I know it's very popular. Honestly, I find primers to be a relatively unneccessary step for everyday use, unless you have excessively oily skin or work in an environment that demands a perfectly crafted face (in which case, I'm kinda jealous). Big party where you may run into your ex-boyfriend? Prime that face up. Average Tuesday when you really need to hit the snooze at least once to maintain your sanity? Let it go.

Sorry for the gap in my recent posts-- I'm still trying to figure out a way to do this for a living whilst avoiding the whole living-in-a-box-by-the-river thing. It's not really my scene...

The First Annual Beauty Junkie Mascara Classic (aka the Lash-Off)

2008-08-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

If you're like me (and have no children and therefore a reasonable amount of spare time in which to indulge your makeup addiction), you are forever in search of The Mascara-- one that could practically bring about world peace with its ability to volumize, lengthen, separate, curl, and otherwise inspire rabid jealousy in all who are fortunate enough to behold your glorious lashes. Once in a great while, you're fortunate enough to encounter one that manages to accomplish two or three of the required criteria, but finding one that really does it all is my Holy Grail of Beauty Junkie-land.

There is obviously a plethora of mascaras out there, each of them setting out to bring about a certain result. Establishments such as Sephora do a pretty good job of categorizing them as such, detailing the qualities that each mascara sets out to accomplish. Here's a breakdown: lengthening, volumizing, thickening, separating, waterproof, long-wearing, contact-lens-safe, and curling, to name a few. Now, you of course need to take a good look at your lashes to figure out what you've got versus what you need. Thick but stubby? Look for a lengthening formula. Constantly tearing up from smearing black shit on your lashes (sounds kinda barbaric, when I put it like that...)? Look for one that is safe for sensitive eyes. You get the picture.

Let's go over the qualities in a mascara that I personally look for. Volumizing is my number-one priority, as my lashes, while on the longer side, are a little thin (of course, I can't get the same qualities in my torso-- heredity, you are a cruel mistress). The same goes for separating, as nothing will spark what my family likes to call a "twit" in my house quicker than a mascara that turns my lashes into four prongs poking into my eyelids. ("Julie, why are two spiders attempting to dry-hump your eyebrows?") And girl, don't get me started on flaking. Who needs that? Your mascara flakes, then you have to use your finger to sweep away the flakies from under your eyes, which pulls on the delicate under-eye skin, which over time leads to saggy, baggy lower lids! It's enough to make you a little psycho. I don't really like curling and/or waterproof mascaras, because I find them too difficult to remove and can't spare one single eyelash. If I need curled lashes, I have the Shu Uemura lash curler, which does wonders to open up your peepers. (And anyway, when I use my beloved Cils Boost XL under any mascara, I don't feel the need to curl, unless it's a special occasion.)

So we've established my personal mascara priorities. Let's search, shall we? As you can probably guess, I could fill my garage with all the various mascaras I've tried over the years. Many of them were fine, a few were even pretty good, and there were plenty of disappointments. I thought I'd start out with a simple head-to-head match-up for this particular post, then farm it out from there to an all-out free-for-all. I want to start with my current favorite and match it against a relative newcomer (at least a newcomer to my makeup bag). Here we go:

The Champion: Cover Girl Lash Blast in non-waterproof Black

The Challenger: Imju Fiberwig in Black

The Support System: Lancome Cils Boost XL (I'm sorry, but I can't put on mascara without it)

I stumbled across Fiberwig (could they possibly come up with a weirder name?) at Sephora the other day. It's one of those high-tech mascaras that's loaded with individual fibers that cling to lashes and build on their existing length and volume. It's not necessarily cheap at $22, and I've been wildly disappointed by newfangled mascaras in the past (Shu Uemura, as good as your curler is, your Fiber Xtension mascara is an absolute insult), but I had a gift card and decided to throw caution to the wind. My first go-round with it was on top of the Cils Boost, and heeeeeyyyy. My lashes damn near touched my eyebrows! The ones at my eyes' outer corners practically scraped my bathroom walls! My lashes entered the room five minutes before I did! It really didn't clump after two coats, and just seemed to build on itself. It takes a little more time to build it up than a more volumizing formula, but I was pretty impressed. I now vacillate between the two, depending on how much time I have and what effect I'm looking to accomplish. The envelope, please...

Winner, volumizing and separating: Lash Blast

Winner, lengthening and separating: Fiberwig

Winner, overall: A TIE!

Stay tuned for the next round of the Mascara Classic. I'm really looking forward to matching these two up against some of the sorry excuses for mascara I've tried. No go bat those lashes!

The Arbonne Dilemma

2008-08-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I feel I should issue a disclaimer for this blog entry: if you are an Arbonne lady (or gent), please don't message me extolling the virtues of the Arbonne product line. I get it. This is just my opinion and nothing else. Cool? Cool.

I don't know how much exposure you've had to Arbonne and its product offering, but here's the short version: they like to call themselves a "lifestyle company" and sell everything from tea to lip gloss. (I know, weird.) There are scads of Arbonne consultants all around the country that are more than happy to discuss the company and its products with you in excruciating detail. After attending an Arbonne party last year, I ended up trying their anti-aging skincare line called NutriMin-C RE. And honey, I damn near tried it all-- the cleanser, the toner, the serum, the day cream, the night cream, the eye cream, the body serum, the body lotion, etc., etc., etc. Why did I go completely whole-hog on their asses? Well, I had a few reasons: first, the entire line is free of mineral oil, parabens, and artificial fragrance. Good. Second, the Arbonne lady showed these ridiculous before-and-after pics of people who'd used the products (before: wrinkly and frowning, after: noticeably smoother and smiling!). Also good. Third, I am a sucker and ended up paying the $39 fee to become an Arbonne consultant my-own-self and get said products online at 35% off the retail price. Good, good, and good. I've used up everything but the night cream at this point and...

...do I love it?

I don't love it.

What puts me off is that I want to love it so much! It's got all the right things going for it, I just didn't notice a marked difference in my skin. None of the products broke me out, which was awesome, and they kept me hydrated through the winter (including a Wisconsin Christmas). But I still find myself conflicted. The eye cream was the product on which I pinned all my hopes and dreams, and it disappointed me the most (ain't that always the case?). But herein lies the dilemma: do I snap up another round of all of it-- at 35% off, no less-- or do I cut bait and continue my search for perfect skin? If I do, I'll secretly pine for new shit, but feel guilty about buying new shit until I've finished up my old shit. If I don't, I'm spitting right in the face of a 35% discount and my $39 "consultant" fee. I'd been fully immersed in Yonka and all its loveliness when I decided to give Arbonne a whirl, and I immediately went back to my Gel Nettoyant as soon as I'd used up the Nutrimin cleanser. It was reflexive, like I didn't even think about it.

I even got some of the Arbonne makeup: mineral foundation, lipsticks, lip liners, mascara, blush, AND gloss (did I mention I'm a sucker?). At the afore-mentioned party, the consultant was showing a new "look" formulated by a national makeup artist who decided to whore for Arbonne. Can I just tell you? The process was intense, to say the least. For this artist's "casual everyday" look she actually recommended a FIVE-STEP LIP APPLICATION. Really? Who the hell has time for five freakin' steps on a casual day? I wish I was making it up-- two lip liners, two different lip colors, and gloss, all layered on with surgical precision. Being a good sport, I tried to replicate this on several weekdays. I never got past the first application of the day. (I also had to cut back on the number of times I hit the snooze to fit in the Lip Ritual, which I consider a total deal-breaker.) I mean, the makeup is fine, but who do these people think they are? I want to look presentable just as much as the next broad, but I draw the line-- no pun intended-- at using pencil, liquid, AND powder to line my eyes ON A WEEKDAY. By the time our graduate-school-level makeup seminar was finished, I looked okay-- nice, even-- but I felt like a drag queen. I forced myself to go out with my hair stylist that night only because I felt it would be a pity to waste that kind of artistry on drinking wine on my couch.

So obviously the makeup and its recommended application makes me mad. The skincare leaves me feeling like you do after you eat something totally righteous but totally shitty for you (two packages of Ramen noodles, anyone?): initially satisfied, then pissed at yourself that you actually thought it was a good idea. It really is a shame, because Arbonne could have been The One. Then there was the constant follow-up from the Arbonne lady wanting me to talk with her about "my business." It all sounded fine at first, but I'm sorry, it wore thin awfully fast. I mean, not to brag, but I could sell makeup like nobody's business, but I'm not down with pestering my friends and family into signing up and starting "their business." It's just not me. So I'll go back to Yonka and get acquainted with Remergent (a new line that promises to reverse sun damage at the DNA level-- blog post forthcoming) and, for the time being, screen my calls until the sweet Arbonne lady gives up on me.

(Sigh...)

2008-07-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

So I put the Revlon Mineral Glaze on this afternoon and after a few hours caught a glimpse of myself sporting the residual product...

... an orangy-brown stain with some sparkles in it.

And I thought I'd broadened my beauty horizons. At least I tried! Misleadingly, it really isn't that color when freshly applied. Oh well. I was able to hit up the fantabulous Woo Cosmetics today-- which, unfortunately, was where I spotted myself rocking the drag-queen-with-hepatitis look--for a fresh Rose Sugar Bobbi gloss (and one of her kick-ass gel eyeliners in Violet Ink and a free mini eyeshadow in one of Bobbi's new shades AND a sample of the mystical Glam Balm by Rodial-- eeee!); therefore, now that I am restocked with my preferred gloss, I can return to full-on dissing Revlon. Looks like my sister (with much more reasonable coloring) will be getting a freebie soon. In the meantime, Revlon and its once-touted Mineral Glaze lip gloss can eat it.

A rare exception to the exception

2008-07-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

As I've said before, the drugstore is a good place to shop for items on which you don't need to invest-- trendy eyeshadow, pencil eye liner, and my beloved Lash Blast mascara. However, I have historically made an exception to this rule. That exception is Revlon.

I normally go out of my way to hate Revlon and everything that Revlon churns out in its neverending mission to shove Halle Berry down our throats. (She's beautiful. We get it, already.) Don't get me wrong-- back in the day, I'd to spend hours gazing at the Moon Drops lipsticks at Town and Country Drug. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to wear makeup. One shade in particular, a Barbie pink that makes it difficult to keep down solid foods when I think about it now, was my absolute favorite. Since reaching (and obviously surpassing) the I Get to Wear Makeup phase, I toyed with a few Revlon products when trying to pinch pennies and... GAWD. Their mascaras clump and flake, the cream eyeshadows seem designed to set up permanent residence in your creases (and only there), and the lipsticks and glosses are all the same brown-based color and have a truly bewildering smell.*

*A side note: is that not the most off-pissing thing in the world? Weird smells? Not just in cosmetics, though that absolutely sends me into orbit (especially in lip products-- they end up right under your nose. Really? Isn't anyone paying attention?). What about people who smell strange? Have you ever been on a plane or in a meeting and the person next to you just has that smell? Like right before leaving the house, it seemed wise to have a big bowl of cabbage steamed in moth balls (made lovingly by an octagenarian) for breakfast? What is up with that?

Well, I found myself wandering the aisles of Walgreen's last night after a shit-tacular day, picking up a few things for a trip but really just searching for something-- anything-- that could lift my mood. I ogled a display for Mineral Lip Glaze, brought to you by... well, you're smart, you can figure it out. Silently, I extended the challenge to Revlon: you think you can impress me? A little late to the mineral-product dance, aren't we? This had better be good, or else you'll find one of your Lip Glazes lodged firmly in the colon of the sweet lady who works the checkout to my left. Calmly, the Glaze said, go ahead. I think you'll like me. Look over here at Infinite Rose-- looks a lot like your beloved Rose Sugar, hmmm? You're going out of town tomorrow and won't be able to visit the Bobbi counter until Monday at the earliest. You're desperate and we both know it. Now get over yourself and buy me. (I have to say, I like a gloss with some sass.) So buy it I did and... dammit, I hate admitting this... it's not bad. All right, it's pretty good. The color is indeed very close to Rose Sugar (just don't try to look at it on the Revlon website-- it looks like a putrid purple. All the colors are completely "off" online. Aha! Something to hate to counteract the likability of the Lip Glaze!). The consistency is passable, and the smell isn't quite as frightening. It reminds me of the sunscreen I used when on Spring Break during my Freshman year. Weird. I have to say I have no idea why there seems to be a need for mineral-based lip gloss, but whatever. Anyway, give it a spin. I will, for this fleeting moment, stand temporarily corrected. And you know how much I hate that.

What, no dedication?

2008-07-18T15:36:00.000-05:00

With all these requests coming in, I'm like friggin' Casey Kasem over here. A phone-in from my sister asking how to tackle the ever-maddening combo of wrinkles AND breakouts, then this from my college buddy Heather Watson:

"I am pretty fair-skinned, too... I feel that I am always so adventurous about eye shadows, bronzers, and most color products (not blush, of course, because Nars Orgasm is sheer perfection). However, I find that I stay in such a lipstick rut because a lot of colors overpower me. Most of the time, I wind up using MAC Spice liner and a lipstick in a similarly cinnamon color, but I have a really hard time finding pinks that work well... Do you have any suggestions?"

Let's tackle Sister's request first. I have to admit, this one has always left me more than a little befuddled. The last time I checked, the arrival of Captain Crow's Feet and her pansy sidekick First Officer Fine Lines meant that one had surpassed the day of Bailiff Breakout ruling the roost. What a cruel joke. Additionally, I don't have as much experience with this one, since my also-befuddling dry-and-sensitive combo has saved me from excessive breakouts; that is, with the exception of the monthly visit from Aunt Flo. That bitch is ruthless. So, I'd first like to put it back to my lovely readers: what have you all found to work? My initial thought would be of something that manages to be both oil- and alcohol-free while still promoting anti-aging beneifts. I of course would default to Yonka first (they seriously should send me a monthly commission check), then Clarins, then Mario Badescu. Yonka has several products that specifically adress normal-to-oily skin, and all their products are very mild, which is why I love them so. Apparently, the Juvenil product is their big gun when it comes to breakouts, providing both antiseptic and antibacterial relief. The recommendation is to pair this with their Creme PG in the morning and Creme 15 in the evening. Clarins has a very extensive offering for breakout-prone skin, and Mario Badescu's Drying Lotion is legendary and-- at $17 for an ounce-- plenty affordable. Badescu has an entire line dedicated to addressing acne-prone skin, so it may be worth exploring. Non-irritating exfoliation is also very important, for two reasons: as excess sebum and skin cells build up, both fine lines and breakout-begatting irritatation can be exacerbated. There are several microderm-esque systems and peels out there that work well: I love the Microdelivery Peel from Philosophy and the Microexfoliating Cream from Therapy Systems, and the Gommage 303 (followed by the Masque 103) from Yonka would also be an option. The first two products mentioned are $65 and $48, respectively, and each lasts several months. I particularly love the Microdelivery Peel's ability to combine a micro-derm-like exfoliation with a Vitamin-C-laced peel (read: dead-skin-busting-and-radiance-boosting-shit). Again, my hydration-parched skin is no match for this serious a dilemma. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves as to what solutions are out there.

Now Heather, onto your lip-lovely issue. I am happy to offer my take on Casper-capable lip offerings, with one caveat: your beloved Spice liner would look positively craptastic on me, thanks to the outlandish pink-blue undertones in my skin. Seriously, I've rendered the girls at the Bobbi counter utterly speechless with my ability to turn the most unassuming neutral into a shocking orangy-brown. (I wonder if I could take my act on the road...? I could work the carnival/ college circuit as the Blue Bomber! Or maybe the Pink Perpetrator? I can hear the pitch now: "With her Pallor of Justice, she leaps tanning beds in a single bound and laughs in the face of nude gloss and brown shadow! The line forms to your right, folks. She's got plenty of pale to go around...") Obviously, I've had to spend an inordinate amount of time weeding through the various products that cater to the "normal" girls that have some hint of yellow in their skins' undertone. I've had flings with scads of products: MAC lipstick in Twig and Lipglass in Viva Glam IV, Stila Lip Shine in Rosey Shine, Arbonne lipsticks in Bikini and Twig and gloss in Vogue, Bare Escentuals gloss in Amber (a freebie), Nars gloss in Foul Play, and Tarte gloss in R & R are all recent entries in the Eternal Search, yet none of them have really stuck with me to the point of my buying a second helping once I've run through the first. Don't get me wrong-- they're all good, they're just not great. Lately I've been rocking both a Lip Crayon and a Shimmer Gloss from Bobbi. Alas, the Lip Crayon shade I like (Pink Raspberry) is a limited edition-- damn you, Bobbi! How dare you mock me! Yet the gloss in Rose Sugar seems to be a perennial favorite: I am getting ready to purchase my THIRD tube, which is unheard of in my never-ending search for The Perfect Gloss. If I'm feeling fancy (or have two minutes to spare), I'll rim my porthole with Lancome's liner in Bronzelle, which is, strangely, a muted pink with minimal warm undertones. I don't really make time in my life for the much-ballyhooed long-lasting lip product buffet-- they're far too drying, are generally offered in two colors (Holy-Crap-Bright and Corpse-Brown), and seem to leave cakey bits behind. A little too early-bird-special for my liking. Ditto matte lipsticks. I know they're all the rage in the Fall, and they're incredibly sophisticated, but a glossy finish makes the lips look larger and, in my opinion, more youthful. When shopping for a new shade, the key is to actually apply whatever product you're entertaining to your lips; sadly, smearing it on your wrist is an insulting substitute. It's best to invest a few moments at a Sephora-like establishment to play with various shades and see how they play out on your face.

There are a couple other brands to which I return, which is a rarity: I really like the Stila It Gloss in Sweet-- it delivers a gold-tinged pink that doesn't overwhelm fair skin and doesn't make my teeth look like candy corn; additionally, I am kind of infatuated with Dianne Brill's Lip Lingerie. True to its name, this is some sexy-assed gloss. The consistency is pretty good-- not too thick, not too slippery-- and the color density is nice. It's packaged like a bon-bon, for heaven's sake. The names would make you blush: Gossamer Garters, Peekaboo Nightie, and Padded Push-Up should get your motor going for starters. And it smells like SweetTarts. Could you just DIE? You can find it at http://www.beautyhabit.com/-- buy it in mass quantities and smear it on yourself immediately. Then pucker up, Buttercup.

Please send along your thoughts about the best wrinkle- and pimple-fighting potions, I'm excited to hear your opinions. Heather, I could write forever with varying degrees of impatience and hostility about lip products, and plan to in the near future, but maybe this will get you started. Be good, girlies. We'll talk soon.

DIALOGUE! I HAVE DIALOGUE!

2008-07-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

When you get a second, check out the "comments" section from my last post. You'll find Heather, Amy, and Katie sharing comments with me and WITH EACH OTHER! I know this is ridiculously common on other older blogs, but I am so excited-- we have a veritable Forum on Hydration going!

:Insert a picture of me giving a "hell-yeah" face: shoulder up, chin down, mugging like something stinks.:

This, my lovelies, is why I decided to start a blog-- not just to pontificate on the loads of stuff I've tried, but to get feedback from you all as well, and then to encourage the comparing and sharing of all the beauty world has to offer, be it good, bad, or indifferent. Woo-hoo, bitches. Woo-hoo.

Dryness and wrinkles and pregnancy, oh my!

2008-07-13T22:12:00.001-05:00

I am so flattered-- I have a request! This from the beautiful mama-to-be Katie Corcoran Williams:

"Let's talk about hydration. Mainly, hydration of the face. Before makeup, after cleansing, before bed… you get the gist. I need a new moisturizer that won’t break the bank (my tiny bottle of Bobbi costs me $47 and lasts a month) and I think I can find something I like just as well that is a tad more reasonable since I do have a bun in the oven and need to start watching my pennies. On the eve of Sephora opening in Fayette Mall I am ready to make a move! Also – any other tips on moisturizing, smoothing, ironing out the fine lines are certainly welcome. I ain’t gettin any younger and I know you can help!"

No worries, sister, Beauty Junkie's got ya. So, first things first: if dryness is truly an ongoing issue, you should make it a priority to do two things: swill water like it's your m.f. job, and make sure to hydrate with every step of your skincare regimen. Now, I'm not the boss of you when it comes to your water consumption, but we all know that the skincase routine must be kept to an absolute minimum, so let's break it down.

Before anything, let's discuss some theories about skincare products. There are, in general, two camps: the first, comprised of those who are convinced that their best skin lies across the street at Walgreen's/ Target/ Rite-Aid; the opposing side, ladies brandishing their checkbooks whilst declaring "you get what you pay for!" I must say that I adhere to the latter idea more than the former. This is not the case when it comes to makeup (more on that later), but let's stay on-task. Particularly regarding something like lasting hydration, it pays to do your homework and maybe pay a little more up-front for a product that will last you longer and actually do its job. Luckily, you have your Beauty Junkie friend to do that for you-- hey, I ain't having a kid anytime soon, I've got the time.

To start, let's identify a hydrating, gentle cleanser that will take off your nighttime products and your daytime makeup with ease, all the while minimizing the pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth when balancing the checkbook after paying for said cleanser. Clarins makes two great cleansers that really do last a while and are both very gentle, creamy, and hydrating. There's a wonderful Cleansing Milk with Alpine Herbs (I swear that's the product's name) that will set you back $28.50 for a big-assed bottle. It works well for day and night, and has a killer plant-based scent that won't irritate. It's been a while since I had this cleanser in rotation (I am a slave to my afore-mentioned Yonka gel, it rules my life), but I remember it lasting at least six weeks and making my skin feel clean yet soft, not tight and pissed. For colder weather or skin that just really won't behave, there's also the Extra-Comfort Cleansing Cream. It's a littler pricier-- forty bucks for roughly the same amount of shit-- but it's so thick you'd swear it was your Mamaw's cold cream from back in the day, and therefore will last longer. The only thing I found more challenging with the cream was controlling the amount, since it comes in a jar that demands finger-stabbing versus the bottled cleansing milk that you can squeeze into your hand. They're both great options though. Another one is good ol' Cetaphil that you can get from any drugstore. Ignore my previous snobby comments on getting what you pay for when it comes to Cetaphil. (I don't give a damn if this makes me a hypocrite-- I like to think of it as an exception.) This stuff is about as gentle as it gets-- feel free to slather it on your fully-cooked fetus once she joins us-- and it's plenty cheap. The experience of determinedly rubbing it into your eyelids isn't quite as pleasant as gently swiping on some Clarins Cleansing Milk, but you may feel that the price difference makes up for it. I don't find it as effective in removing my much-loved Lash Blast mascara, but you could rinse with water instead of tissuing it off and probably get a good result. So decide what you like and clean that face up.

Let's move on to lotions, serums, and creams. Personally, I really think that a serum packs more bang for the buck in terms of results versus money spent and product used over a lotion or cream. Furthermore, if you are really Sahara-Desert-dry, why are you bothering with an anorexic lotion? You need the big guns, pronto. So let's do work: there are two serums that I feel do a great job, and both are pretty reasonable price-wise. The first is yet another offering from our friends at Clarins-- the Hydra-Quench serum. They've redone the packaging since I last used it, so I'm not sure if it's the exact same formula, but I thought it kicked ass. Even though it's a serum, they had a spray nozzle on the bottle, which was actually great-- you pump two sprays into your paw, warm it up with the other paw, and happily smear away. Oftentimes I didn't need anything else before going to bed-- or going forward with the makeup routine in the morning. The Clarins website lists the serum as $56 for an ounce, but I really do remember it lasting me a while-- more than a month, which I think is what Miss Mama is getting out of her $47 Bobbi moisturizer. If nothing else, the new Sephora likely carries Clarins, and will give you a sample to test-drive. See what you think. The other option is the Yonka Serum. I dearly love the Yonka line and have not been disappointed with any of the skincare products so far. (I bought the lip balm in a moment of weakness before a Hawaiian vacation, and it was weird-- NOTHING like the lovely Malin + Goetz lip moisturizer, but whatever.) The Serum has a great consistency-- slippery, but not greasy-- and for me has been all that's needed before bedtime after cleansing, even in the dead of winter. I even use it under my eyes, therefore bypassing a separate eye cream. As the saying goes, a little goes a long way, thereby alleviating the $36-ish price. I think two pumps is enough to cover my face and neck. It's a little shiny for daytime application, so you may want to investigate the Clarins serum or a day cream, unless you like the idea of being a walking spotlight-- or you could just use a little less, rub it between your palms, and pat it on gently. I've listed the Yonka website before, but unfortunately they don't do a very good job of listing their vendors by state, so you may have to go on a hunt to find it locally. Better yet, just let me know if you want something in particular, and I'll snag it at the day spa in Brentwood and send it to you-- sealed with a kiss!

All right, forging ahead to creams: I first have a confession to make. (This gig is titled Beauty Junkie Confessions, after all.) I think that, for the money, Creme de le Mer is one of the best moisturizing creams you can buy-- a $125 jar used to last me at least four months. Do I use it these days? No. Do I have a good reason? Maybe. See, CDLM contains a vast amount of mineral oil, which is, among other things, an occlusive and a petrolem derivative. An occlusive is a substance that keeps other substances from permeating (in this case, your face). Not that this is necessarily a bad thing-- we want to trap moisture in and keep it from escaping. That's fine, but it's the fact that mineral oil comes from petrolem that bothers me. I mean, it's a byproduct of gasoline, for heaven's sake. I certainly am not adept at cosmetic chemistry, but I can't get comfortable with that idea. Now, I went through a few jars of CDLM before learning this fact, and I have to admit that it makes your face feel awesome. A pea-sized amount would cover my entire face and make it soft and supple. I just have a hard time wondering about the long-term affects of that type of by-product. There's a whole story behind the Creme's invention, and it's quite seductive (check it out at http://www.cremedelamer.com/), but maybe it's worth exploring other options if you're iffy about its ingredients.

Wow, I feel better. Moving on-- I keep coming back to Clarins, only because I think they offer good product at a reasonable price for products that are easy to find. Their Extra-Firming line has a day lotion that actually does a good job at hydrating while keeping fine lines at bay. There are several options, check it out at http://www.clarins.com/. I've used the Extra-Firming Day Lotion, which has an SPF of 15, and found it to work very well. It's currently listed at $77 for a 1.7-oz bottle, but I remember almost everything I ever bought from the Clarins counter lasting me two months, so maybe it's a viable option. Additionally, Caudalie does a good job with its cream for very dry skin called Vinsource Riche that addresses wrinkles and dryness. I remember traveling to Wisconsin over Thanksgiving a few years ago and luckily finding a deluxe sample in my toiletry bag when I'd forgotten my serum. I recall being skeptical, then eternally thankful as I witnessed its ability to keep the dry patches at bay through two flights, brutal weather, and an excessive amount of drinking. (That alone should convince you to run over to Sephora for a sample.) The Caudalie website-- http://www.caudalie.com/-- lists the Vinosource Riche at fifty bucks for an ounce, but I remember it being very dense and only needing a dime-sized blob to get the job done.

I should at this point address the myriad of products available at your friendly drugstore. I know I pooh-poohed it all earlier, but it's worth some thought. I've heard wonderful things about Olay's newest offerings, and have had to rely on an off-brand here and there while traveling; that said, I don't feel like I can accurately review a product I haven't REALLY tried. There's the commercial on t.v. these days that touts Olay's Micro-Sculpting Cream as being better than "creams that cost $350," and that may indeed be the case, but since I can't personally attest to that idea, I don't want to pull something out of my ass just to save you a few pennies. I'd rather share with you my experiences and go from there. As I said in my initial blog entry, I'm not an encyclopedia of beauty, I'm merely an opinionated, impatient bitch with high beauty-product expectations who's hoping to save some of her fellow Junkies a little time and trouble. Anyway, if you have the time and cash to spare experimenting on drugstore brands, feel free. I just can't be bothered. At least a Sephora- or boutique-purchased product can be returned for an exchange.

All right, it's getting late, and this is getting tedious, so I'll leave you with one last thought: don't forget your foundation as the final step in consistent and continuous hydration. Are you using a run-of-the-mill "base"? Stop it. Same goes for mineral foundations-- I love them for their purity, but they can look chalky on dry skin and can therefore exacerbate flakiness. Go with a tinted moisturizer as a layer over your daytime routine. I'm currently using Kiehl's, which cost around twenty-five dollars for a bottle that I swear has no bottom (I bought mine in Palm Beach in November and I KNOW I've yet to use a quarter of it). Start with a pea-sized amount-- if you need more than a dime-sized squirt to cover your face, please let me know so I can contact the Guiness Book and get your big ol' grill in that bitch. It does well at evening out your skin while imparting a nice dewy finish; that said, beware of spackling it on over top of a thick day cream-- it will roll up when you try to rub in onto your face. Best try a non-oily serum and layer the tinter moisturizer over it. Trish McEvoy also makes a good one, as does those devils at Creme de la Mer-- I'm not sure how much mineral oil, if any, goes into their tinted moisturizer, but it works well and has an SPF of 18, so maybe it's work looking into.

I could obviously talk all day and night about dry skin and how to fix it, but some of it has to be tailoring products not just to your skin type, but to your skin, particularly if you're pregnant or have varying degrees of sensitivity. I hope this has been helpful-- let me know! Xoxo

I do... not want creasy eyelids.

2008-07-07T21:24:00.001-05:00

I was fortunate enough to go to a lovely wedding this weekend. The bride and all her attendants were beautiful, a wonderful time was had by all, and hangovers abounded the next day. "What the hell does this have to do with beauty," you ask. (You're impatient, just like me. I like that.) My Beauty Junkie moment came when my sister, the radiant maid of honor (don't call us "matrons" of honor, we hate that), snagged me just before the reception to examine the bride's face. It was just as I feared: creases. Not on her face-- she looked vibrant-- but on her damn eyelids! As I gently patted her lids with my ring finger to redistribute the pretty gray shadow, I thought to myself: damn, I shoulda brought THE secret weapon to the bridal get-ready suite this morning and solemnly instructed each girl on how to use it. Not that this was my responsibility, mind you-- they all had a fabulous hair and makeup artist, but even the best face can be sabotaged by heat, humidity, and an eighteen-hour day.

Anyway, so back to The Creases. A little pat-pat on the bride's and my sister's lids made all things right, but it all could have been avoided with a little thing I like to call the Bobbi Brown Cream Shadow Stick. (Actually, I'm sure Bobbi and all her well-groomed minions like to call it that too, since that's the product's given name. I can be a product-name-snob sometimes.) It only comes in one shade, but get over yourself-- it's really all you need for a virtually indestructible eyeshadow base. Use a fancy brush and take your time or smear it on with your finger like your ass is on fire, it doesn't matter. Just ensure that it and your lids start making out immediately. Additionally, it works great on its own by concealing those pesky little shadows and discolorations that make-- ahem-- SOME people look like they've had the flu for three days. Not me, of course. I have perfectly even eyelids... as far as anyone is concerned. I should have listed the shadow stick under the Shit I'm Digging list, but I thought it deserved its own blog. I've listed Bobbi's website before, but if you're really that lazy, here it is again: http://www.bobbibrowncosmetics.com. If you're not that lazy, and are willing to go hunt for some, almost any department store worth a damn will have a Bobbi counter. The mall closes at nine. Your capillary-ridden, creasy-assed eyelids need your help! Kisses!

Current Faves

2008-07-02T13:50:00.000-05:00

So before I delve into various products (eye shadow, lip gloss, brow gel, etc. etc. etc.) and brands (name one, chances are I've tried it), I thought I'd offer up a partial list of current favorites, hereafter called Shit I'm Feeling. Here goes:

1a. Cover Girl Last Blast mascara. Seriously, for drug-store mascara, this is some good shit, and my mascara standards are irrationally high. I like the black shade in the non-waterproof formula-- the waterproof is determined to stay on despite your best rubbing, pleading, and negotiating. The brush is insanely huge and has those newfangled rubber spokes instead of nylon bristles. I've started buying it two at a time because I'm convinced that, now that I've found a kick-ass mascara that doesn't cost twenty bucks, the Cover Girl people will yank it off the shelves. (Hey, it's happened before. The cosmetics industry giveth, and the cosmetics industry taketh thine mascara/concealer/whatever away.) Stop at a Walgreen's on your way home and get some. You're only cheating yourself if you don't.

1b. Lancome Cils Boost XL (http://www.lancome.com/). This white lash primer is applied like mascara, before your actual mascara. I don't remember how I got onto this stuff, but my life is forever changed. I can't tell you how many times I've been told I have great eyelashes, or asked if I have on fake ones. (Not bragging, just being honest here.) I'm not blessed with a great fringe, I just use great shit. Lancome sells the Cils Boost and the Cils Boost XL. Don't be a puss, go for the XL. Buy two (trust me). Brush it on gently, like you would mascara, and wait a second. Then go crazy with your mascara and marvel at the results. Combining this with the Lash Blast mascara mentioned above is dangerously awesome. It works the best when it's fresh, so pick up a new one once a month or so. I have nightmares about being forced to put mascara on without it.

2. Bobbi Brown Shimmer Wash eyeshadows (http://www.bobbibrowncosmetics.com/). I wish I had an extra ten minutes in the morning to gaze upon my four-pan compact of shims and tell them how pretty they are. To be honest, I could easily have an extra ten-- or thirty-- if I didn't hit the snooze so damn much, but I've never been one to take responsibility for myself. These gems come in colors that are grown-up without being boring, and the finish is shimmery without being drag-queen glitter-tastic. I love Champagne, Petal, Heather Mauve, and Beige, but I fully intend to own them all someday. Oh yes, I will own them all.

3. Yon-Ka Gel Nettoyant face cleanser (http://www.yonka.com/). I love you, cleansing gel. I love your fresh, non-irritating, plant-based scent, I love your plush-but-not-obnoxious lather, and I think I love your ability to take my makeup off without making my skin say "YOU'RE HURTING ME" most of all. I know I've tried others, cleansing gel. I was weak and foolish. Like a good gel, you patiently waited for me to come back to you. You're so good to me, cleasing gel, that I've given your name out only to the people I care about the most. I hope there's enough of you to go around; that said, cleansing gel, if you suddenly are in short supply, rest assured that I will tell those people that Yon-Ka "doesn't make that anymore" and we'll run away together. See you tonight. Love you too.

4. Malin + Goetz Lip Moisturizer (http://www.malinandgoetz.com/). This stuff makes me wish I had more deeply-colored lips so I could just wear it all damn day. But no, instead I have to go through the whole color-and-gloss routine to add some life to my pale piehole. Anyway, this clear gel feels amazing and really does keep lips from chapping. Truly the Goldilocks of lip balms, it's not too thick, not too thin, doesn't have a taste or smell, and makes me happy (like all lip balms should, but rarely do). Consider throwing one in your beach bag and keeping one on your bedside table this summer. It's twelve bucks for a cute little tube, but trust me, you can't find a better way to spend it. Order it online and have one sent to me as a thank-you.

5. Clarins Radiance Plus Self-Tanning Cream-Gel (http://www.clarins.com/). All right, so we've established that the Melanin Fairy never paid me a visit. Having sensitive skin just adds to the fun-- one little fling with a face tanner from Bath and Body landed me in the dermatologist's office with chicken-pox-like bumps on my face. Pretty! For those reasons, I've become a near-expert in all things self-tanning. Clarins has gotten it right with this moisturizer/self-tanner combo. I've been less than impressed with their other self-tanner products, but this one is a keeper. Used every other day, the color is subtle and believable, and-- get this-- it DOESN'T IRRITATE MODERATELY SENSITIVE SKIN. One bottle will last you a while, unless you have a freakishly huge face or end up using it on your body (which I have in a pinch, and it looked lovely, thanks.) I keep it in rotation year-round to avoid being asked if I'd like to star in the "Powder" sequel.

Stay tuned for more rants, raves, and ramblings. Now go put your face on!

My First Confession

2008-07-02T13:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, so let's get to it. My name is Julie and I'm a bit of a Beauty Junkie. Now, I also have a real job and something resembling a real life, so I don't see this blog becoming an encyclopedia of All Things Beauty, but I'll be honest: I've been around the beauty block a time or two. There are some awesome products out there, and there is some unadulterated crap as well. I'm here to offer up some sometimes-sarcastic, always-honest musings on the mountain of shit that I've patted, sprayed, brushed, slicked, and smacked onto my face and extremities. Enjoy!*

*Disclaimer: the afore-mentioned "mountain of shit" will usually involve products that are geared toward my skin type (dry, sensitive) and coloring (so-pale-I-could-blind-a-child-and-moley-to-boot skin, blond hair, and hazel eyes). If you don't see something on here for an olive-skinned brunette with blue eyes, it's nothing personal. I will hate you a little for having all that free time to spare that I've spent slapping on self-tanner, though.